When creating a bucket list, one is faced with the reality that time is running out and there are things we have yet to accomplish before we die. While the eternal footman continues to snicker, I tried not to pay attention to that fact while writing this list. Instead, I tried to think of life, possibilities, and what I truly want to do -- even if there's a good chance that some of these won't happen.
See also: Nine Ways to Have a Happy Hipster Christmas
1. Find skeletal remains in Cheesman ParkE.P. McGovern was an industrious undertaker with amazing business acumen. In 1893, the City of Denver hired him to remove bodies from Cheesman Park (which was then called Mount Prospect Cemetery) and transfer them to Riverside Cemetery. McGovern saw an opportunity: He could take the paltry $1.90 per casket that the city was paying him, or he could could double or triple his money by hacking up the bodies and putting them in separate caskets. McGovern chose the latter. Ka-ching! Not surprisingly, the job was messy, and bones and other human remains were strewn about the park. It's been said that there are still close to 2,000 bodies buried beneath Cheesman, and bones turn up every few years, especially during construction projects. In the new year, I'd like to find one of these parts. I'll hang it proudly in my apartment and wonder why my cats won't stop staring at it and why my flowers are always dying.
2. Jam with Big Head Todd and the Monsters at Red Rocks...hammered on their moonshineEvery year, Big Head Todd and the Monsters play a show at Red Rocks Amphitheatre. The event usually carries with it a charitable element and is a testament to, and benchmark of, a band that has been repping Colorado since 1986. Recently, the group released its own moonshine, called Colorado Sun 'Shine. I implore the members of Big Head Todd to allow me to experience the magic of the band at Colorado's most gorgeous setting while getting blasted on their 105.6-proof liquor. I promise to learn the lead on "Bittersweet," stay out of the roadies' way and keep most of my clothes on. What's the worst that could happen?
3. Sack Peyton ManningLet's face it: I'm not gonna play in the NFL. I'm 33 years old, 5' 11", 170 pounds, and my knees sound like a plastic bag being filled with creamed corn when I crouch down. That doesn't mean I still can't live like a defensive pro bowler in my everyday life. This year, if I see Peyton Manning on the street, I'm gonna rush him -- after five Mississippi, of course -- and attempt to sack him. If I succeed, then it's probably time for Manning to hang it up anyway. I will help him up and pat him on the helmet afterward so that I'm not charged with assault.
4. Ride a B-cycle up and down Colfax AvenueI've always wanted to walk the length of what Playboy once called the "longest, wickedest street in America." Colfax starts in Golden and ends, 26 miles later, in Strasburg. These days, my most trusted means of conveyance is Denver B-cycle. According to my online profile, I rode 663 miles in 2014, putting me at number thirty among active B-cyclers. A few trips up and down Colfax should propel me into the top ten in no time while still allowing me to soak in all the wonderful wickedness the street has to offer.
5. Play a show at every venue along South Broadway The number of amazing and supportive music venues on South Broadway continues to grow. From small and fiercely independent bookstores such as Mutiny Information Cafe to the thoughtfully laid out Syntax Physic Opera, this stretch of road continues to harbor the city's burgeoning musical scene. Why bother touring to other states when I can play a show at a different venue to a different crowd every night, all within fifteen minutes of my home? The trusty B-cycle should come in handy for this quest, as well. 6. Do Boylesque at Lannie's ClocktowerBunch of stupid tattoos? Check. Slightly pudgy and comical body shape? Check. Shame? None. Sounds like it's my time to dust off the ol' pasties and g-string and shake it to a horrified crowd under the legendary D&F Clock Tower. Sorry, Mom.
7. Anti-Steve Bartman a Denver sports team into a championshipThat poor Steve Bartman got a bad rap. The super Cubs fan became eternally infamous for reaching out over the wall during a 2003 playoff game, disrupting Moises Alou's potential play at the ball and, some say, costing the Cubs the series against the Florida Marlins. This year, I want to be the bumbling Steve Bartman type -- but I want to be one who actually gives one of Denver's sports teams the extra advantage toward winning a title. Whether an ill-advised grab on a Rockies' foul ball or tying Lebron James's shoes together during a Cavs-Nuggets game, I want to be that everyday guy who changes the course of sports history -- in a good way.
8. Help all of our furry friends get adopted
Colorado's official state pets are shelter pets. Even Governor John Hickenlooper got his beloved pooch, Sky, from a rescue organization. Such groups -- including the Colorado Animal Welfare League, where I've been a foster parent for five years -- have dozens of dogs and cats looking for a forever home. So in the new year, if you're looking for a new best friend, please don't shop -- adopt! Colorado's official land mammal is the bighorn sheep -- but they are not recommended as pets.
9. Convince everyone in Colorado that camping sucks Seriously, you sleep in a bag outside surrounded by bears. It's stupid.10. Try not to be so negative
If camping is your thing, I truly hope that you get to go as much as possible and that your 2015 is happy, safe and healthy! Colorado is an amazing state full of possibilities, and I hope you and yours get to experience all of them in the coming year.
