Everyone.
Local sex educator Shanna Katz has a new book out this week, Oral Sex That'll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms. Her inspiration for this guide was simple: She wanted to give more than lip service to cunnilingus, rather than write another book on how to smoke a pole.
"There are significantly more books available on how to give blow jobs than there are about how to eat out a vulva, and that to me is just sad," she says. "Lots of people absolutely love giving their partner cunnilingus, and would love to learn more about it."
Katz offers her five very best pieces of advice on how to perform oral sex on a woman:
5. Get wet 'n wild! "Lubrication makes all touch feel better, both outside on the lips, clitoris, and hood and inside the vagina, whether you're using fingers, tongues, or toys. It helps reduce friction, and any testing of your own will probably demonstrate that vulvas prefer slippery, slidy sensations to those that produce friction and drag. Lube can help transmit sensations better and can also reduce the amount of work to be done by the person performing oral sex and manual stimulation. Also, if you're using fingers or toys in the vagina, using lube will help prevent or reduce soreness, as well as prevent tearing of the delicate vaginal tissue. Anyway you look at it, lube is pretty amazing."
4. This is not a hands-free experience. "While you're using your oh-so-talented tongue to provide amazing oral action all around and up and down the vulva, it's more than just OK to also use your hands as tools of pleasure...it's likely that at some point during cunnilingus, you'll have an extra free hand or even two. Let's put them to good use!" 3. Work it out. "Do some tongue exercises; move it side to side, in and out, up and down, in a circle, back and forth. Keep doing that until it gets tired. This is a great set of exercises for when you're studying for a final, are bored at your desk in your office, or are stuck in traffic. Your tongue is a muscle, too; the more you work it out, the more you build up that muscle (plain ol' talking does count) and the less likely it'll tire out during cunnilingus. Sound silly? Perhaps. But great athletes exercise even while not actively playing, and even crossword puzzle champions practice with the New York Times Sunday crossword. Taking a bit of extra time out of your week to work on strengthening your tongue, and experimenting with different ways of using it, can definitely elevate you in the world of cunnilingus givers. It shows that you're willing to take some time and work to bring yourself to a different level."
2. Slow down there, partner! "In movies, we tend to see folks just shoving their hands down their partner's panties, hunting around as if searching for the power button that they can push to make the geyser of pleasure start. While this may seem to make sense to some people, many folks with vulvas don't appreciate how this feels. Many prefer the vulva to be treated sensually and with a bit more gentle action, so after you kiss your way up your partner's thighs and are in the middle of the special zone, take your time, take a deep breath, and remember that the weight of the world is not resting on your shoulders." 1. Make Friends. "Get to know the vulva at hand; take some time to look at it, and really take it in. Use some water based lube, and get a feel for this fabulous pleasure zone. The more you know about it and the types of touch that really get your partner's motor revving, the better the oral sex will be. There is a whole section in the book about having a Vulvar Viewing Party."A professional sex educator, Katz self-identifies as queer, and purposely did not use pronouns for the partner in her book. "Very few cunnilingus books are open to couples of all genders and orientations," she explains. "The majority assume that a woman's partner is always a man.
While my book does feature a heteronormative couple in the pictures, it uses gender neutral language for the partner, recognizes that not all women identified folks have vulvas, and that not everyone with a vulva identifies as a woman. Isn't it high time that ALL folks who want to give and receive cunnilingus have a book that supports them in this? I think so!"And so her book is for everyone: eager-beaver beginners, intermediate cunnilingus athletes, even professional tongue champions interested in honing their skills. "I'd say that while anyone can benefit from a refresher course on eating out skills and communication techniques, this is probably geared more towards needing confidence in the cunnilingus department," she says. "Ergo, beginners and intermediate level folks would probably enjoy this book the most."
And how did she research the book?
"Hands on experimentation -- just kidding! Actually, I've spoken to hundreds of women (and their partners) about cunnilingus as part of classes I teach, counseling sessions, through my blog, and more," Katz says. "Some research was from graduate school, like the basic anatomy. Other information came from requests the women themselves seemed to have, and the myths and frequently asked questions are genuinely things I hear on a regular basis."
Does she feel there is any truth to the old adage about women knowing best how to please a woman? "I think it's important for a woman to know her own anatomy and what feels best to her before she can tell her partner," Katz replies. "It may be easy for some women to ask their female partners questions about oral sex, because they themselves have similar anatomy, and have probably thought about (and experimented with) the same things. However, a person of ANY gender can be a cunnilingus rock star if they are willing to spend the time and energy genuinely inquiring as to what their partner wants, and listen to the feedback. It all comes down to communication. You could be the best triple tongue tornado twister (totally made up concept) in the Southwest, but if you don't care to hear what your partner likes and doesn't like, then you're probably not going to hit a home run while eating your Breakfast of Champions."
She's gotten some interesting inquiries, including a common question from males: "How long do I actually have to do it?" Her easy answer -- as long as it takes.
Here's a fleshed-out response: "It depends on your partner, it depends on the amount of foreplay, it depends on what your goal is (orgasm, arousal, killing time, etc), and it depends about how excited you are," she says. "If you could care less and are doing it until the next thing, I say go for an hour or two; seems like you could use the time together. If you want your partner to feel good, ask her how long she likes it, or just go for it, and tell her to stop you if she chooses. There is no one magical answer for how long someone might want cunnilingus action to be happening."
The weirdest question she's ever gotten about oral sex: "Can you die from giving cunnilingus?"
Explains Katz: "I think there must some random urban legend out there that somehow has a woman sitting on her partner's face, and accidently smothering her partner. I've gotten this question more than once. Hypothetically, could someone sit on your face and refuse to allow you up to breathe, and could you, again, hypothetically, die? Sure, why not. However, I have never heard of anyone in modern times dying from giving head...and to be honest, if it did happen, wouldn't that just be an amazing way to go?"Assuming you live through the act, Katz has some easy suggestions for their trips down south. For example, this is not a job for the timid.
"Everyone tries to be all polite and not messy, or worse yet, they emulate mainstream porn with their face far away from the vulva, and tiny licks of the tongue, like they are terrified of what is in front of them," she says. "You've got to go for it, dive in like that vulva is the last pumpkin chocolate chip cupcake from the Shoppe, and it is all you want in the entire world. Be slobbery; it helps to lubricate. Get your face in there; your tongue can be used in so many ways! Ninety percent of good oral sex is about enthusiasm; show your partner that you want her, and everything else is just going to make you an even better lover."
For more tantalizing advice on how to blow like a pro, Oral Sex That'll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms by Shanna Katz, M.Ed, is now available on Amazon.com and at Barnes & Noble.
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