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Super Bowl XLV: Ten bowls to counter-program

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The Super Bowl is the biggest TV event of the year. And not just for the actual game -- it affords the host station a massive audience for the post-game show (Glee this year) and other stations the opportunity of 106 million potential channel surfers in America alone. Animal Planet has been successful with its adorable Puppy Bowl, now in its seventh edition, and the Lingerie Bowl on Pay-Per-View gave birth to an entire ill-advised league. We've got a few more counter programming bowl ideas.

1. Commercial Bowl Concept: Washed up mascots from previous Super Bowl ad campaigns compete in a CGI gladiator tournament for the chance to appear in one more commercial. Participants: Budweiser Frogs and Clydesdales, E*Trade Monkey, Office Linebacker Terry Tate and Betty White Proposed channel: HSN

2. Bowl Bowl Concept: The PBA holds a bowling tournament where the players can tackle each other. Participants: Whoever is on the PBA. We don't know any professional bowlers. Proposed channel: ESPN

3. Scalper Bowl Concept: Scalpers are given various items (blank sheets of notebook paper, fake tickets to the Super Bowl, Girl Scout Cookies, etc.) and sent into the streets of Dallas to scalp them. Winner is whoever comes back with the most money. Participants: Regional competitions will be held in all the cities hosting NFL playoff games -- the winners from each city go here. Proposed channel: GSN

4. Sooper Bowl Concept: Work with us here: If Football is to Futball, then Super Bowl is to Sooper Bowl. Thus: soccer teams playing American football. Winner is whoever gets the most Unnecessary Roughness penalties called on the other team. Participants: A random lottery from the EPL. Proposed channel: ESPN Deportes

5. Orange Bowl Concept: Orange eating contest, followed by paintball tournament where all the balls are orange. Sponsors: Tang Proposed channel: Nick Jr.

6. Smoke a Bowl Concept: We don't actually have to tell you, right? Participants: MMJ card holders Proposed channel: iTunes visualizer

7. Toilet Bowl Concept: Various toilets (port-a-potties, trough urinals, etc) are set up along an obstacle course, and you have to pee for exactly three seconds in each one. Participants: The dudes from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge Proposed channel: Spike

8. Super Bowel Concept: Contestants must drink a pot of coffee and eat 32 ounces of chili and whoever holds it the longest wins. Participants: The people who enter competitive eating challenges Proposed channel: Food Network

9. Super Bowl Concept: Lingerie bowl, but with men instead of women. Participants: Chippendales models Proposed channel: Oxygen

10. Knowledge Bowl: Jersey Shore Edition Concept: Basically a third-grade classroom, where contestants must spell things, do basic arithmetic and not punch each other at recess. Everyone gets awarded gold stars for doing things well and frowny faces for doing things poorly. Participants: The cast of Jersey Shore Proposed channel: MTV

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