Super Bowl XLVI: Five pop-culture predictions for the coming year

Calender-wise, every year starts at the beginning of January. But when it comes to pop-culture, the year "kicks off" (hey-o!) with the advertising blitz (so many football puns!) that is the Super Bowl, when advertisers collectively spend brajillions of dollars to tell us how to think and feel during the ensuing months of lesser sports.

Once again we're interpreting the commands of those advertisers and predicting everything that will happen over the next year -- and even though all of our predictions for last year failed miserably, this time around we have utmost confidence we're going to get it right. Why? Because we used science.

5. Rapping about products will make a comeback

Popular music specifically written about products has been an advertising tradition since the

Rolling Stones somehow got persuaded to write and perform a song about Rice Krispies

back in 1966. And while rap songs about food products have seen a precipitous decline in popularity since

their heyday in the late 1980s

, it's also been at least as long since anyone's kept it this real while suggesting toppings for your pizza.

4. People will stop eating Doritos forever because Doritos taste bad and are stupid

We were extremely disappointed to see that CSU grads

Nate Watkin and Eric Delgado's "Hot Wild Girls"

entry for Doritos' Crash the Super Bowl campaign did not make it to the big game, and we were even more disappointed that the miserable piece of shit you see above did. We predict that the mediocrity wafting off this commercial like a wretched stink will expose Doritos for the crappy chips they are and people will no longer eat them. You could have had the greatness, Doritos. It was right here all along.

3. People will be persuaded to buy domain names by the most sensible means possible: nudity

We all know that Internet nerds look at more porno per capita than any other demographic, so what better way to lure them to second-level domain designations than the promise of nudity? Of course, if you actually

go to GoDaddy.com

as the ad suggests to "see more now" (and I did), there's no actual nudity -- turns out the chick is in a bikini -- which will probably embitter nerds and cause them not to use GoDaddy, so future domain providers are probably going to have to step up their game. Because as everyone knows, tits or GTFO.

2. Ads will be ads for other ads

Volkswagen no doubt blew everybody's mind when its ad turned out to be a meta-ad being watched by

Star Wars

characters, which in itself was a subtle ad for another product entirely: the upcoming 3D release of all 27

Star Wars

episodes. There actually might be fewer

Star Wars

episodes than that -- we stopped paying attention around the time Episode 1 was garbage. At any rate, Volkswagen wasn't the only product in the business of simultaneously advertising for other products -- GE also got in on the action with

this ad that was also an ad for Budweiser

. In the future, all ads will last 22 minutes and advertise for so many products you won't even know which product you're watching an ad for. So basically it'll be like watching network TV.

1. Regis Philbin will not be dead somehow

Regis Philbin announced his retirement just before Thanksgiving, at which point everyone assumed he was dead or did not realize he hadn't already retired. So both groups were mildly surprised to see him come out of his eight-week "retirement" to appear in this Pepsi Max spot. This coming year, Regis Philbin will continue to not really be retired until such time as he is dead, whichever one comes first.

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