Some people are scared of Barbie and her seemingly anti-feminist position in pop culture. And those people are just plain terrified of Bratz dolls and their big-eyed whorishness. But some dolls... some dolls aren't disturbing because of your social views, or for reasons having to do with the ways you might not want your daughters to look. Some dolls? Are just freaking scary.
10. My Twinn So the concept here is that your kid gets a doll that looks identical to (read: sort of like) her. It's a neat concept, admittedly, which girls liked a lot -- so much so that the once Denver-based company did great business in the late '90s. That all started to decline in 2002, and got to the point that Westword named My Twinn "Denver's Best Scandal" of 2004 when the factory abruptly closed its doors and stopped answering its phones. But the concept of the doll itself is still a little weird -- sort of inviting multiple personality disorder, isn't it? And really, is it any less creepy with that extra "n"?
9. So Truly Real I don't care if the thing "breathes"...if you have trouble telling the difference between a real baby and a doll? Then there's something wrong with either dolls or babies. Or you.
8. Beautiful Crissy Crissy dolls did a lot of things over the years, including talking later on. But this has to be the strangest feature: Her hair grows when you push on her stomach and pull her hair at the same time, and then gets a "cut" when you turn the dial on her back. I'm sure girls liked it (for all of about five minutes, anyway -- and how many girls do you think actually took scissors to Crissy's hair, thinking that they could just pull her hair again, and it'd grow?), but the idea of pulling hair right out of a girl's head is just odd.
7. Little Mommy You've probably heard this doll address you if you've walked down the toy aisles of Target recently -- or, you might have heard of its controversy if you watch FOX News. In brief, the hubbub is all about a tiny part of the goo-goo, ga-ga that the baby says sounds something like "Islam is the Light." Why? No idea. The scary part of this doll is supposed to be that it doesn't need you to pull a string to make it talk (one more step toward SkyNet...), but what's even more concerning is that there are people scanning doll baby talk in order to discern if there's anything in there that sounds like something that pisses them off.
6. Screaming Half-Baby This sounds more like horse-porn than the laughing baby that I can only assume it's supposed to be. And no, "Screaming Half-Baby" isn't this thing's real name, but seeing as how it's a Korean knock-off toy, it actually could be.
5. Baby Laugh A-Lot "Listen to Remco's Baby Laugh A-Lot!" says the commercial -- which then cuts to little girls turning their heads in shock. I think they're supposed to be excited, but really they look more frightened, don't they? Like they just know they're going to be hearing that psychotic laughter ringing in their heads for the rest of their lives. And, of course, even the ad admits that the doll will, in fact, drive you completely insane.
4. Charmin' Chatty Chatty Cathy dolls were always eerie, what with their generic '50s housewife hair and their milksop voice (supplied by no less than June Foray -- and now that you know that, you won't be able to hear a Chatty Cathy doll without picturing Rocky the Flying Squirrel. You're welcome.) But Mattel took the Chatty-family to new lows with Charmin' Chatty, who has "five different personalities" due to the tiny records than you insert into a wide slot in her side. There's no part of that sentence that isn't disturbing. That's Marsha Brady (Maureen McCormick) hosting the tea party, by the way, which goes a long way to explain the many personalities she displayed as a teen.
3. Baby Secret Baby Secret says some creepy stuff, like "Is anyone else awake?" and "I want to tell you something." One can only assume that the doll then proceeds to whisper murderous thoughts into little girls' ears. And yes, that's Jan Brady (Eve Plumb) in this ad, which means that Marsha had better watch her ass.
2. Little Lost Baby The conceit to this doll is weird enough -- that someone abandoned this baby on your daughter's doorstep. But that's not too far removed from Cabbage Patch Kids, really. What makes this baby doll the creepiest of all is her head, which sports three different faces only barely concealed by a hood. It's like a horror movie (or else the girl-toy equivalent of Man-E-Faces). I mean, all parents know that their darling little girls will eventually develop into tween multi-faced little monsters, but really - there's no need for the graphic visual reminder.
1. Baby Say and See Supposedly the inspiration for no less than Chucky himself -- which makes sense once you see the crazy hair and those dead, rolling eyes. Give it a butcher knife and a bad attitude, and you have a '90s film franchise. It's almost like Mattel wanted to create the creepiest doll ever. Why else would Baby Say and See say things like "Wouldn't it be fun if you were a doll like me?" and claim that it can see through walls? I don't even know what that means, but seriously, I don't think most parents would want a lying, shifty-eyed doppelganger sleeping with their daughters, despite the fact that it might prepare them in some way for college dorm life later.
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