Ten Ways for Denver Fans to Survive the Super Bowl

Yaaaaaawn. youtube
So the Broncos missed the playoffs, and to add insult to injury, the Patriots (and Denver personae non gratae Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and roster-destroyer Josh McDaniels) are favored to win it. That means that as a Denver fan, you’re probably not all that jazzed about the Super Bowl this coming Sunday. Sure, you feel a responsibility to watch: It’s the Super Bowl, and you’re no fair-weather fan. But still…it’s gonna be tough.

In the spirit of still showing up for the Super Bowl and its related festivities, here’s a list of ideas that could help get you through the day — and after that, you can consider this last season just a bad memory. Here’s to muddling through!

10. Tostitos Party Bag
A bag of chips that can tell if you’ve been drinking — and when you’ve had too much, it can even call you an Uber? This is sort of awesome and sort of terrifying at the same time. At the very least, it’s a brave new world of partying, Super Bowl-style. So drink up: Your snacks will take care of the rest.

click to enlarge It's an essential part of a complete breakfast the morning after, when you don't want to face what you did the night before. - MARK AT FLICKR
It's an essential part of a complete breakfast the morning after, when you don't want to face what you did the night before.
Mark at Flickr
9. Edibles Party Tray
As in: pot-infused goodies. No, you can’t eat much, but enjoy a couple over the course of the pre-game, and by the time you see kickoff, you probably won’t care that there’s a game on, let alone who’s playing or who wins. Of course, if you eat too much, you might get paranoid and start to worry that Tom Brady will secretly deflate you, so remember: All things in moderation.

8. Just Watch for the Commercials
You know how with most shows, you get a little behind on your DVR so you can fast-forward through the ads? Considering the impressive loads of cash spent on a Super Bowl ad (just over $5 million for a thirty-second spot), you might as well do the opposite: watch the breaks, race through the game. Face it: You don’t care about this game nearly as much as you care about talking about how awesome/awful the commercials were when you’re back at work Monday.

7. Wait Patiently for Lady Gaga’s Halftime Show
Seriously, could there be a more perfect marriage of two forms of entertainment than pro football and Lady Gaga? We’ve all seen the NFL crowds with their meat dresses; it’s about time that the league capitalized on this synergy.

6. Play a Josh McDaniels Drinking Game
Whenever it looks like McDaniels is sending secret signals (to the Patriots in the booth, or maybe to the 49ers as a mark of loyalty for the potential coaching gig), take a drink. Yes, you’ll be drunk before halftime, because good ol’ Joshie tends to look like he’s selling state secrets even when he’s ordering a pizza. Here’s hoping you have a Tostitos bag handy.

Keep reading for more ways to survive the Super Bowl.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen