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The Dollar Tree vs. a cat: A cost-benefit analysis

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Since time immemorial, the Dollar Tree has been a one-stop destination for anyone who has one dollar and is looking to spend it quick -- and you can get some surprisingly good stuff there. This week, though, all the way through Sunday, the Denver Dumb Friends League is giving the Tree a run for its (ahem) money with a 100-cent adoption special celebrating its centennial anniversary. And since we have only one dollar to spend all week (our salary is that Sales sometimes lets us eat the catered lunch leftovers), we headed down to the Dollar Tree to see how our options stacked up. A bag with a duck on it vs. a cat There's no denying it: That bag is adorable, and could also be useful for putting possessions in, since someone stole the shopping cart we were using. On the other hand, a cat is also adorable, and could be useful for killing the rats that keep biting us in our sleep, thus warding off another case of the bubonic plague. Because of the potential health benefits, we're going with the cat.
25 decorative balloons vs. a cat Either a cat or balloons could be useful for warding off the existential dread, albeit in different ways. A cat can offer years of companionship -- but cats can also be snooty and aloof, whereas a balloon is there whenever you want it to cheer you up. A balloon is happy if you tie it to a string. A cat is not happy if you tie it to a string. It's a close race, but we're going to give it to the balloons.
Artificially flavored vanilla pudding snacks vs. a cat Cats are cute, for sure, but ever since we got picked from among the editorial staff to ask Sales for a little more porridge, they've been making us build caskets with the guy we keep in a cage downstairs and they haven't given us any leftovers at all. Pudding is delicious. Pudding wins.
Some sort of glowing ax thing vs. a cat It's hard to make a definitive decision on this one without knowing whether the ax is sharp or not. If it's sharp, we could maybe use it to cut twigs from the hedges outside with which to build a small fire for warmth at night. If it isn't sharp, though, then a cat would provide a little warmth as well. Just to be on the safe side, we'll hand this round to the cat.
Fake Spanish moss vs. a cat This would make excellent kindling if we were able to use the ax to chop some larger branches -- but that would require $2, and we only have one. And while the moss certainly might provide some festive decoration -- and some bedding -- to the refrigerator box Sales gave us to sleep in, a cat would ultimately provide more happiness in the long run. On the other hand, you have to feed a cat and take care of it. So what the hell, we'll take the pudding.

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