The gang's all here -- well, minus Angelina and plus the new and terrifying, droopy-eyed Snooki part two, Deena -- and after a stint in Miami, they're back at the actual Jersey Shore. Thank God. The only difference since the last time around in Seaside Heights, it seems, are the whip upgrades -- the crew arrives from their Long Island and suburban Jersey homes in spanking new Caddies, Rover trucks and Beamers. Vinny may be famous and have a nice ride, but he's got no shame in the fact that in the Shore off-season, he still lives with his mom. This is also why, for the third year in a row, he still comes off like a nice guy. Even if he broke Snooki's heart last season.
On the way to the shore, Snooki utilizes the drive to prep her BFF and "surprise" new cast member Deena (whom Sammi later painfully nicknames' "Gremlin") on the dudes -- i.e., who she's going to want to bone. You know, the important stuff. Not to worry: Snooki is still the same old furry-slipper-donning mini-diva she's always been, but this season her hair has reached new heights and her skin is orange as hell. Greasy friend-twin Deena is already drunk, priming herself for what could be the worst 24 hours of her life. Flash to the Situation, who, when leaving his home seems to be saying goodbye to a girlfriend -- though this is unclear. Vinny and Pauly D. say goodbye to their moms, and everyone is happily on the road to be reunited. Sammi and Ronnie are still together, and are the first to arrive at the old family haunt. It's like nothing has changed -- same house, same mallard duck phone, same stereotypical Scarface poster on the wall. (It's like MTV forgot how excited people get when they see freshly constructed IKEA and tacky/trendy light fixtures.)
Sammi and Ronnie roll up, calling dibs on the upstairs room with three beds. This fucks everything up, because no one wants to share a room with the couple's brown cloud of incessant drama. Plus, Vinny, Pauly and the Situation aren't going to be smashing any girls with Sammi present, so the bedroom choice has now become the first battle. Brick house Jwoww (or "Whore Bag," as Sammi has deemed her) is next to arrive, with everyone else close behind. Jwoww shacks up with the Gremlin twins, Vinny and Pauly take a room, and the Situation is left to bunk with the most miserable couple in the history of MTV since Justin Bobby and Audrina. Or anyone who has ever hooked up on the 86 seasons of The Real World. After some condescending hellos and introductions, the imperative ninth cast member -- the hot tub -- finally appears. The gruesome threesome of Deena, Vinny and Snooki get things going, and Deena is already creeping on Vinny. Snooki, of course, is pissed, because they hooked up last season and she's definitely hoping for a second round. Deena backs off, and Snooki goes in for the ultimate boner kill, digging up a recent off-set incident involving Vinny and Snooki's friend Ryder. The jerk-off bombs fly, and the hot tub party is officially bummed out.
The last quarter of the hour is rocked when Deena shows her na-na to the Situation, for reasons unknown. But this isn't the worst part -- shit gets awkward as hell when Deena and the Sitch immediately relay the boring na-na exposure story to Jwoww and Pauly. The Sitch goes to bed, a very shwasted Deena goes in for a cuddle, and a fight between the Gremlin and bunkmate Sammi ensues. The scuffle moves to the living room, finding Ronnie doing his deep dad yell while Pauly and the dudes watch like it's a dog fight. Flat-ironed hair flipping is at maximum as Deena effectively digs her grave five hours into the first day. Jwoww and Snooki jump in, just in time for the episode to end.
If you missed the first episode and are too lazy to watch the dozen reruns MTV will show this week, here are some one-liner highlights: "She's a four-foot-tall meatball" -Sammi "You're gonna hook up with grenades, but you're not going to hook up with me? Are you fucking serious?" -Snooki
"I don't know if she's drunk or just stupid." - The Situation
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"I just want to get back in my house, pop some bottles and hook up with my roommates." -Snooki
"I can't wait to go guy shopping." -Deena
"I'm just a walking holiday." -Deena
"You're a loser from Poughkeepsie, and you know it."- Ronnie (to Snooki)