When you're local weirdo who's spent the last decade running around in Times Square in your underpants and a cowboy hat, it's probably hard to know where to go with your next career move. Waiting tables? Too servile. Middle management? Too bourgeois. Really, the most logical option is probably to just throw on a suit and run for president of the United States, and what the hell? Do it on a platform of fighting "multiculturalism and bilingualism in public institutions" -- because America, that's why.
But the Big Apple isn't the only city with a proud tradition of weirdos; there are plenty here in the Queen City, too -- here are our five favorites for the nation's highest office.
5. Jeff Peckman For several elections cycles running now, Jeff Peckman has been a thorn in the ass of the Denver City Council with his recurring ballot initiative to create a city sponsored council on extraterrestrials. And if his 1998 U.S. Senate run is any indication (he came out with 0.31 percent of the votes), he's got at least as good a chance of winning his presidential bid as the Naked Cowboy. Either way, they've both got a thing for aliens.
4. Sid Pink He's "the host-with-the-most-boast, too-big-for-the-room-since-I-zoomed-from-the-womb, the unchaste sin-based rat-face with the poorest taste" -- also, he's the most hilariously sleazy promoter -- both of himself and, notably, Lucha Libre -- in town. If this man can sell Mexican wrestling to hipsters, he could sell water to a well -- and he can definitely sell himself to America.
3. Dog the Bounty Hunter If Chuck Norris got in a fight with anyone, he would win -- with a roundhouse kick so powerful it actually bends the time-space continuum, you pretty much get a gold medal just for being alive. But if anyone could perhaps give Chuck Norris a run for his money, it would be Colorado's own Duane "The Dog" Chapman. Like a whole trailer park fired from a gun, The Dog is a sonic boom of badass in a bland, boring world, and he's exactly what this glorious nation needs.
2. The Black Leprechan If you're a long-time Capitol Hill dweller, chances are you've met the Black Leprechan -- he'll grant your wish, for just $5. As president, he'll balance the budget, pass immigration reform, create a crazy machine that involves a bowling ball and several hundred balloons for making your cereal in the morning and spearhead the development of a pill for contentment -- for just $5.
1. Tom Tancredo Oh... wait.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.