You are waiting to die. You have no friends, you live in a shed behind your sister's house and your most productive activity each day is when you eat a whole bucket of fried chicken before you cry yourself to sleep, whereupon the next day you wake up and resume waiting to die. In short, you are a loser. You will always be a loser -- the only way you could possibly win would be to somehow win by virtue of losing. Luckily for you, that opportunity has come. It's called the Nobody Likes Me Comedy Contest, and it starts tonight at Sutra Lounge.
The idea was the brainchild of local comedian Jake Sharon, who, according to his bio (which is written in Spanish for some reason), will "give you ten pesos" if you show him your tits. "Basically, a couple of my comedy buddies and I were sitting around thinking about how -- you know, in comedy contests, there's always, like, an injustice. Like somebody wins unfairly, or somebody else is really good. We wanted to right that injustice," he says. "And also, the loser is never really highlighted, so we thought we'd throw some attention their way."
Here's how it works: Tonight and for the next three Mondays after, comedians compete in the preliminary rounds, where audience members will be given a ballot and asked to vote for the best and worst comedians of the night; winners (and losers) are announced at the end. (Each show also features a nationally touring comedian, presumably not on the ballot -- tonight's is Curt Fletcher.) Then, on October 25, at the final knockout round, those four winners and four losers face off against each other for an elimination round of voting.
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"You know, it's possible to just have a bad set, you're off that night or whatever," says Sharon. "So in the final round, the losers get a chance to redeem themselves" -- and possibly come out the winner, although in your case, that's unlikely.
And the winner gets a $500 cash prize. As for the loser: "If you're the worst, you're going to get something horrible," Sharon assures. Which is probably the last thing you need, after that incident with the pigs' blood.
Either way, it's too late to sign up now to perform; the ballot's all filled out. So you fail. But you can still go to the show and bear witness to the humiliating failures of others, and that might make you feel a little better.
See the crash and burn tonight at Sutra Lounge, 1109 Lincoln Avenue. It's $5 to get in the door, and the price includes an appetizer and a Nude Vodka cocktail with which to wash down the bitter, bitter taste of a life of defeat.