05. "Meth Heads" When Aurora Police stopped a truck during the DNC that was "swerving erratically" and found multiple weapons, fake IDs, bullet-proof vests and -- awesomely -- two wigs, initial evidence pointed to an assassination plot on Obama, which was augmented by one of the men's wearing a Nazi ring. Turns out, though, these stooges weren't even competent enough for the U.S. Attorney to take seriously -- he called them "meth heads" and walked away, leaving the men to face far less notoriety-creating drug and gun charges.
04. Suge jumps the gun Five days after getting arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon earlier this year, and just a day after getting out of jail on that charge, Suge Knight was back at it: According to his accuser, dude "had eight guys come up to my house and told them to get me or kill me." They didn't, evidently, and a judge served Knight with a restraining order.
03. Poker face A few years back, Matt Sowash dug himself in deep: Based in Denver and running an Amateur Poker Tournament, Sowash had taken thousands upon thousands of dollars from investors and lost it all -- and gamblers can be notorious for taking matters into their own hands. Luckily for Sowash, the hands this matter fell into were really incompetent ones: those of Herb Beck and Christopher Steelman, who plotted to stuff Sowash's legs into a box of rattlesnakes. They sent a grammatically suspect but ominous email to Sowash, who took it to the cops, who easily apprehended the two boobs, who pleaded guilty to extortion.
02. Osama hunter If the vast resources of the U.S. Government can't do it, leave it to some Colorado nut-job with a pistol and a 40-inch sword. Just a short couple of months ago, one Gary Faulkner got picked up trying to cross the Pakistani border into Afghanistan on a mission: to kill Osama bin Laden -- and has said he'll return to try again (he told reporters in Los Angeles upon his return to the states, somewhat ominously, that we'd "find out by the end of August"). At least it'll be a fair fight: Both Faulkner and bin Laden are reportedly on dialysis.
01. Beaten (literally) at your own game In what will most likely remain for a long time history's most hilarious failed assassination, Richard Lawrence purchased two pistols in 1835 in an attempt to kill then-President Andrew Jackson -- but they both misfired. Evidently not one to be messed with, Jackson -- and this is not even made up -- beat the dude with his cane until he could be taken into custody. Other accounts hold that, in fact, Lawrence's gun did fire, but Jackson caught the bullet with his teeth, roundhouse kicked the dude in the face at a speed imperceptible to the human eye, and then spit the bullet back into the gun -- for modesty's sake.