We were warned about the Bonnie Knees Contest: there was sure to be bribery, kilted men and somewhat bawdy behaviour,Colorado Scottish Festival
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director John Thornton told us. Without fail, the contest was indeed all of those things.
"It's not really about who's got the best knees," explained contest judge Paulene Staggs, who, along with fellow judges Carlene Campbell and Lois Wilson, was making the calls -- and as such, the contestants came armed with their best bribes. But the winner had something unexpected up his sleeve, or rather up his kilt.
"They try and bribe us with everything," judge Carlene Campbell said before the contest. "They bring us candy, Scotch, cookies..." Lloyd [pictured above] chose to bribe the judges with money. "Make it rain," he declared as he sprinkled one dollar bills into the air. "Make it rain." Campbell made sure to clarify that the judges may keep/share the Scotch and cookies, but the money is donated to the St. Andrew's Society. Master of ceremonies Larry kept the crowd entertained during the judge's deliberation by dancing a rather unorthodox jig on the contestant's stand. Then he let Lloyd tell a joke, which I don't remember (sorry Lloyd). Perhaps that's because at the same time Lloyd was telling his joke, someone was telling this joke behind me: "What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?" [Pause for dramatic effect.] "One less drunk Irishman." Oh, man. Ireland just got booya'd. Immediately after Larry explained that "there are no rules," judge Lois Wilson commented that this year's bunch was "a great looking crew." Micah certainly took advantage of Wilson's bias and removed his shirt in an attempt to influence the outcome. Another contestant, Mitch, hid a sausage up his kilt. Even with all the sexiness, the judges couldn't help but be disappointed that the men were not "regimental," which from what I could tell meant the men weren't going commando. Travis, who ended up winning third place in the contest, hid shooters of Scotch under his kilt for the judges, who commented frequently on the softness of his leg hair. Other bribes included tiny bagpipes with money (from second-place contestant Robert), a flask of Scotch and Tim's babpiped rendition of "Do you think I'm sexy?" But no one had what first place winner Joshua had, apparently. Upon winning his first place prize ("An acrylic award he'll be explaining to his wife for weeks to come," said Larry) Joshua commented that he did not even bribe the judges: "Here's the edge -- I flexed my legs when they were judging. No bribes, just muscle." And there you have it. This year's Bonnie Knees Contest winner, winning because he actually had the bonniest knees.