BetweenScottie Ewing's Michael "Handcock" affair
and Congressman Anthony's "Weinergate
," our elected officials have kept the headlines hot and their constituencies (and probably their wives) as cold as a case of Otter Pops over the last couple of weeks, but has this recent media foray into erectile malfunction left regular guys feeling a mite...inadequate? After all, they spend most of their time just heading to work, paying their taxes, flossing their teeth and trying their damndest to impress the ladies so they can get their tools strategically placed in a few boxes. But without political prowess and/or access to the U.S. House of Representatives gym for photo shoots, how is a regular guy supposed to capture the might of his boomstick with his cell phone camera or shitty 5.1 megapixel point-and-shoot?
At ease, men. In the interest of sticking up for the little guy, we have composed a list of the five ways to make your "Anthony Weiner" look bigger in photos. Strike a pose.
5. Bic that dick.
The first tip to make your tip look mighty is for you to drag out the unused Norelco with the triple-blade action that you got for Christmas two years ago, rip it from its dusty package and fire it up. Eradicating the musty pube-cake from your apple sack and trimming the stragglers from your twig will give ladies the bare minimum to gaze upon -- while giving you maximum visibility for an up-close shot of your newly-shorn sapling to appear as mighty as an oak tree. And since it's not feasible or advisable to have your rocket at liftoff for the shaving ceremony, give it a wash afterward and make sure you are poised to pillage and conquer for the photos. Ladies ain't digging the soft-serve, yo.
4. Pull it back. Way back.
If you've hit a bag of Funyuns more than you've hit the floor of a gym, then you have to employ a wee bit of creative subterfuge in order to play down the tummy and play up Mr. Wiggles. With your camera in one hand, use your free hand to push your gut back as far as you can shove until Sir Slappy appears at least a few inches longer. Click fast because you may get winded from the effort. But your temporary discomfort could mean the difference between hitting some lady luncheon loaf later, or hitting the button on your Blue-ray to watch Red Sonja yet again, while grasping a bottle of kiwi-strawberry Wet in your one free hand.
3. Go dutch.
Photography is a form of art, and artfully tilting your camera to catch Sir Stanley at his very best angle will get you far better results with the fairer sex than taking yet another uninspired downward-pointing pic of a droopy dong. Go at it from the sides, come up from the bottom, and don't forget to snap a few of those horny-porny head-of-state shots. Bonus points if you can produce a couple of classic "Oh My, I Spilled the Mayo, Didn't I" shots, because the ladies like to see that you are a man of action.
2. Action -- no distractions.
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Speaking of action, under no circumstances should you take one of those ubiquitous, craigslist-casual-encounters-sadsack-bathroom photos of your pasty torso and your semi-spongy snausage, because although the can may be the only place in your apartment you have a mirror, would it kill you to spend the $10 to buy one so you don't have your grungy sink, your grimy shower curtain and your CostCo sized tub of green hair gel in the photo? Ladies wanna see the main attraction, and trust me, evidence of your housekeeping skills ain't what they are buying tickets to see.
1. The hook.
Guys, you could fill a warehouse with the things that Congressman Weiner has taught you NOT to do, but he struck photographic gold with his depiction of himself as a human shower rod. Weiner might be a fucking poopnoodle for getting busted sexting behind his pregnant wife's back and then lying like a Congr-ASS-man, but our current favorite lech did bring back the riotous idea of taking pics of your counterpart being used as a meat hook for a terrycloth towel. Gentlemen, why not grow his initiative and use your own units to lift and balance regular household items like small potted plants (not cactuses), a length of damask (preferably purple) or perhaps an American flag? Properly displaying the magnificent lifting power of your yogurt rifle could make it look more like a yogurt cannon in pictures, and since cockalorum is the name of this game, better photos of your own Congressman can make you an incumbent.