What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating April 18 - 24

In certain cultish and secretive religious sects, this entire week is devoted to the celebration of a holiday known as "Easter," when, as the legend goes, a guy got nailed to a piece of wood and then came back to life three days later, except not all gnarly and undead like a zombie, but instead all "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" and god-ish like in Clash of the Titans. That last part may not actually be part of the story, but we like to imagine it maybe is. In any case, the holiday is better known to regular folks like you and me as the day when a rabbit craps eggs full of jelly beans and then you go look for them under bushes and whatnot. And Lord knows you are going to need some jellybeans after the most important holiday this week, which is 420, man.

But neither of those are today, and we know that you're going to be needing to celebrate something in the meantime -- for that, try Patriot's Day today; if you lived in in New England and worked in a bank or government office, you would actually get the day off for Patriot's Day, and since bank and government workers who live in New England obviously ain't no better than you, fuck it, you should take the day off, too. God knows you'll need the time to reflect on what it means to be a patriot, such as drinking only domestic beers and not being an immigrant.

Tuesday is National Garlic Day, for what that's worth.

But Wednesday at 4:20 p.m., that's the time you've been waiting for for some reason. Like Easter, 420 has origins cloaked mystery -- some say it derives from the police code for marijuana violations back in those paranoid days when marijuana was illegal. But there's no mystery to how you celebrate it. So go ahead, bro, fire up some of that sticky icky, some of that dank nugget, some of that don juan, that shake, that wackytabacky, you know, some of that kind, kind ghanj. You know, that thrumpance, that hocus pocus. Fire it up, bro.

But do it in a strictly therapeutic sense: Marijuana should be used only for medical ailments. Bro.

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