Ever since your twelfth wife took off with the kids and the dog and the house -- a scenario only possible thanks to your penchant for living in structures you can also drive -- leaving you with only an overdrafted checking account and a suitcase somewhat inexplicably full of urinal cakes, Valentine's Day pretty much just reminds you of that time you took her out for a really nice dinner at the Cracker Barrel and all she did was eyeball the waiter the whole time until you really had no choice but to beat the shit out of him right there in front of that extended family of Mormons. And you regretted that, you really did, but she didn't have to keep bringing it up. At any rate, it's a tough time for you, and Lord knows you are going to have to put back a lot of booze to kill that pain. As always, we're here for you.
As a matter of fact, forget Valentine's Day -- there are actually a couple of other holidays you could celebrate today, anyway, like Clean Out Your Computer Day, which you pretty much already did by pulling all the copper wire out of it and selling it to Carl down at the metal refabrication plant, but now the damn thing doesn't turn on anymore. It's also Ferris Wheel Day today, but that just kind of reminds you of the time you took your wife to the State Fair and she got all upset when you urinated off the top of it, even though that was clearly the hands-down most hilarious place in the entire State Fair to drain the ol' main vein, if you're catching our drift. It's also National Organ Donor Day, but you already sold all the ones you could feasibly live without. So maybe that's a wash.
Luckily, tomorrow is National Gum Drop Day, and what could be happier than a day devoted to gum drops, a candy that physically extracts itself from your mouth if it senses that you are not happy while you're eating it? Plus, the black ones taste like licorice... which sort of tastes like liquor... so really, what's the difference if you just drink liquor instead? Then Thursday is National Battery Day, which you're already on probation for, so you've got that covered.
Sunday brings one of the weirder celebrations in the calendar year with Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day -- this is not even made up -- a holiday where you go outside at noon local time, throw your hands up and yell "hoodie hoo." Invented (and copyrighted!) by wellcat.com, a weird little website evidently devoted to the dual and seemingly unrelated purposes of making up wacky holidays and the touting mystical properties of herbs, Hoodie Hoo Day is intended to scare off winter, a feat accomplished by the aforementioned action of arm-waving and yelling "hoodie hoo."
And why the hell not? You'll be so plowed by that point, you'd probably be doing that anyway.
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