What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, January 17-23

Martin Luther King was pretty cool and all, but let's face it: All he ever did for you was make you wait one more day for that carton of Russian cigarettes you ordered like six weeks ago that still hasn't come in the mail yet, and it sure as hell isn't coming on a postal holiday. Lazy Post Office. And it's pretty tough to get excited about a day off when you're unemployed self-employed. Besides, Martin Luther King Day is just one day, leaving you six more days in the week to justify an amount of drinking some would call "excessive" but you would call "elevated." As always, we've got you covered.

Too much toasting to a great, great man can get you wicked hungover, so fortunately, Tuesday's celebration will be pretty low-key. Indubitably, it's Thesaurus Day, that morrow in commemoration of the birth of Peter Roget, author of the first thesaurus, upon which one summons the pronouncement of confabulation abounding with which to exasperate one's compatriots. That, and boozing.

Wednesday is National Popcorn Day, which is convenient, because that's the only food you budget after drinking affords you to eat, anyway. Still, it seems a little unfair, considering popcorn also has an entire month dedicated to it in October. Still, you can't have too much popcorn, I guess, and food is usually good for warding off the hallucinations.

Speaking of which, that troubling penguin that keeps appearing in the darkest corner of the room in the wee hours of the morning and trying to get you to feed it hate will give you a reason to celebrate on Thursday, which is Penguin Awareness Day -- as if you weren't aware of him already. Maybe you guys can knock back a few and talk old times.

And the animal-related celebration won't end there. Friday provides a brisk followup with Squirrel Appreciation day, so maybe feed those little guys some popcorn instead of yelling crazily at them next time you wake up in the park and they're trying to eat your coat.

In fact, throw that damn popcorn away, because Sunday is National Pie Day -- feed yourself a decent meal for once. You're sick of eating that fucking popcorn anyway.

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