What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, May 16 - 22

Just in case Arbor Day like two weeks ago wasn't enough to tide you over in the commemorating trees department, this week starts off with Love a Tree Day, which, admittedly, sounds more like a sexual perversion than yet another attempt by godless hippies to shove their environmentalist propaganda down your throat -- then again, being that it involves godless hippies, we wouldn't rule out both. Thankfully, you have not one but two things to celebrate today, because it's also National Sea Monkey Day, and who doesn't love sea monkeys? Actually, there is some dispute about the exact date of National Sea Monkey Day, a day that celebrates brine shrimp in cyptobiosis -- some sources give dates as disparate is May 15 and June 8 -- but we'll go with it, because we are goddamn sick of trees.

At the very least, it'll be an excellent excuse to keep holding onto the pile of sea-monkey kits you've been collecting in your basement since sometime around 1966, but an even better excuse for that will come tomorrow with Pack Rat Day, when maybe your friends and relatives will lay off you for once with their "heartfelt chats" and their stupid "interventions" about the "fire hazard" created by your mounds of old newspapers, random detritus and cats. Besides, some of those cats are even alive.

So you'll thank them to shut the hell up about it.

It's probably a conspiracy, like that tree-loving bullshit. Speaking of conspiracies, Wednesday is International Museum Day, which seems harmless enough until you realize it was a holiday dreamed up by the International Council of Museums, a secretive organization dedicated to establishing misleading holidays toward the sinister end of collecting your money in admission fees. International Museum Day? More like International Elaborate Ruse Day, amiright?

But the most odious conspiracy of all this week comes Friday with National Bike to Work Day, a holiday created by the League of American Bicyclists to further their own nefarious ends. In fact, it's the centerpiece of National Bike Month in May -- also created by the League, which is said to operate out of a Masonic Temple located 33 1/3 floors below the Vatican -- in the midst of what ultra-clandestine circles of powers-that-be ominously refer to as "Bike Year."

According to the League, the aim of Bike to Work Day is simply "encouraging people to bicycle to work and forsake their motor vehicles for one day," but you know better than that: First it's a day, then it's a month, and next thing you know they're making you get rid of your car and your cats and have sex with sea monkeys or something.

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Jef Otte
Contact: Jef Otte