What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, May 9 - 15

It's a scene as iconic as any ever recorded of the Great American West, the meeting of two railroad lines from the east and west at Promontory Summit, Utah, punctuated by a last golden spike that completed the Transcontinental Railroad on May 10, 1869. These days, nobody travels by railroad except for hazardous chemicals and people who want to spend as much money as they would on a plane ticket but reach their destination about ten times slower for some reason, but that doesn't mean you can't raise a glass in celebration of National Train Day tomorrow. And as far as getting drunk to celebrate things goes, as usual, we've got you covered all week.

Wednesday is National Receptionist Day, which is not to be confused with Secretary's Day or Executive Admin's Day, because those are not the same job -- but you can celebrate it in basically the same way: By awkwardly propositioning your receptionist with extra tenacity today, in spite of her unwavering rejection. Or, in the case that you are a receptionist, celebrate by getting drunk on the job! Because they don't deserve you.

It's also Twilight Zone Day on Wednesday, which is weird, because its being Twilight Zone Day seems to have no connection to anything involved with the show -- it's not the date on which the series started or ended, and it is neither the birth nor death date of Rod Serling, its creator; the date seems to have been picked completely at random. It doesn't make any sense at all... or does it?


Thursday brings yet another holiday devoted to a profession: International Nurse's Day, celebrated on May 12 to mark the birthday of Florence Nightingale, the most famous household name ever to not be clearly associated with any actual person or accomplishment in anyone's mind. Seriously, do you know who Florence Nightingale is? No, you don't, so we will tell you: She was a writer and statistician of the Victorian Era, but was perhaps most definitively known for her work as a nurse during the Crimean War, where she exhibited extraordinary compassion for the people she cared for. Since your capacity for compassion more or less shriveled late in your adolescence, don't sweat it: Celebrate this one by being extra nice to the nurse next time you sustain bodily injury during a blackout and wind up in the hospital -- possibly by awkwardly propositioning her.

And this week closes out with Friday the 13th, the least auspicious day ever to be turned into a lengthy series of crappy movies. Celebrate this one in the most obvious way possible: putting on a hockey mask, firing up the chain saw and systematically murdering sexually promiscuous teens. Jk, don't really do the last two things. Just put on a hockey mask and get drunk.

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