In a perfect world, every day would be a party -- and not just some lame stand-around-and-sip-cocktails-politely kind of party; it would be an all-out awesome party with all the traditional trappings, which, as everyone knows, are balloons, cake and strippers. Sadly, some people hate fun. That's why -- if you're the type of person who's tired of people giving you the stink-eye just because you're in the habit of saying "party time" when they ask you what time it is -- we bring you the definitive guide to everything you could be raising a glass to this week, thereby justifying your gratuitous day-drinking.
If you're a little tuckered out from Saturday's double-whammy celebration of National Dictionary day and the anniversary of Marie Antoinette's beheading, you're in luck, because today marks the start of National Teen Driver Safety Week, which you can celebrate by driving unsafely if you're not a teen. Interestingly, today also kicks off Teen Read Week -- so it's a great week to celebrate not being a teenager anymore in general. Driving safely and reading? That shit is boring!
It's also Alaska Day today, marking the anniversary of the day in 1867 that the territory of Alaska was transferred to the these United States by Russia. Recommended method of observation: a moment of reflection upon all the great things Alaska has brought to this great nation, like Jack London stories where everyone dies, or Sarah Palin. Then, if feasible, the traditional "shooting of shit from a helicopter."
Lastly, what better reason to ingest excessive amounts of chemicals than National Chemistry Week, which also starts today and culminates Saturday with National Mole Day?
Instead of a celebration of adorable little eyeless rodents who live in the ground, though, Mole Day commemorates the number 6.02 x 10^23, otherwise known as Avogadro's Number, which represents the mole, a basic unit of measure in chemistry -- note, though, that the celebration only officially takes place between 6:02 a.m. and 6:02 p.m. (get it?), so you'll have to find another reason to keep doing body shots after that.
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Then again, it's Saturday -- and isn't that reason enough?