Well here we are almost a week into June, and all this time you've been missing out on all the commemorative months you could be getting drunk for right up until July -- for example, did you know June is Dairy Month? No, you did not. More immediately, though, today is Yo-Yo day, in celebration of the birthday of Donald F. Duncan, Sr., the dude who invented the yo-yo, otherwise known as "the toy your little brother is still pissed at you for knocking him out with when you were like six I mean get over it already." Actually, that's not the only bone of contention in a long and storied history of yo-yo controversy.
Back in the day when the only thing kids had to play with were rocks of varying size, the yo-yo was a big fucking deal -- it made Duncan a crazy amount of money when he invented it in the 1930s. "Yo-Yo" was a trademarked brand name up until 1965, when a court struck down the trademark, arguing that the term had become a part of the popular parlance -- but interestingly, many other brand-names, such as Kleenex or Frisbee, have achieved that same sort of ubiquity and nevertheless have held their trademarks; to this day, many legal advocates see the ruling as a gross miscarriage of justice. Luckily, Duncan also founded the Good Humor mobile treats franchise, so he remained rich as hell.
Speaking of delicious treats, June is also Candy Month, so feel free to tell your dentist where he can put it. Additionally, it's Aquarium Month, Gay Pride Month, National Adopt a Cat Month, National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month (which we're going to ignore in favor of Candy Month), Rose Month, Turkey Lovers Month (seems like November would be more appropriate) and National Accordion Awareness Month, which, if you own an accordion, it's probably safe to assume people are aware of it.
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Besides all that, though, the big one to hold out for this week comes Thursday with Donald Duck Day, which observes the day that rascally duck first took to the airwaves back in 1934 in a cartoon called "The Wise Hen," later to become the inspiration for the truly awesome animated series Duck Tales, which, I think we can agree, had the best theme song ever.
Just on a side note, don't buy into the hype: Swimming in a pool full of gold coins is surprisingly uncomfortable.