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What week is it? New Years' resolutions of impending misery

And now the end is here, as Frank Sinatra might have said before his end actually was there and he died. As we coast toward the close of the debauched year that was 2010, we've got less than a week left to get our party on before facing the unpleasant final curtain of our New Years' resolutions, when we get our life together and face a future of healthy, wholesome boredom. Here's what we have to look forward to.

According to usa.gov, these are some popular promises to ourselves we will break in the first weeks of 2011:

  • Drink less alcohol: We've really got to pull our lives together. Our education sucks, our finances are a mess and we suspect that the gallon of beer we drink daily may be making us fat. Then again, maybe if we can follow through with the rest of these, we won't have to.

  • Get a better education: Really, it's our job that's keeping us down, but our lack of formal eduction (we've always relied on our "street smarts") is holding us back from getting a new one.

  • Get a better job: Right after we get a better education, we're on it.

  • Lose weight: Even though it seems like we're constantly running from the police, this gradually growing gut is slowing us down. In the new year, we plan to cut our Snicker intake by at least a third.

  • Manage debt: It's true that Jimmy Torrio keeps threatening to break our knees if we don't pay him back that five grand, but this one's easy. All we have to do is keep playing this slot until it hits, and then we're all set.

  • Save money: Right after this slot hits, we swear we're going to get a savings account.

  • Take a trip: And this one's not even going to involve jail or rehab this time. Well, it might if the authorities catch up with us, but we hear there's a lot of bureaucracy involved in Colombian extradition policy.

  • Quit smoking: It's hard not to smoke in the casino, but we swear we're done with all that. Right after this slot hits.
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