What week is it? Your breakdown of obscure holidays, May 23 - 29

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While it's true that holidays often provide convenient excuses to get wasted, their seedy underbelly is that they're usually ticker-tape-decorated cover-ups for communist propaganda -- take Christmas, for example, which is all about giving shit away. Philanthropy? More like philan-commie. Hey-O! At any rate, Lucky Penny Day today is really no different, because there is nothing lucky about a penny -- if you were indeed lucky, you would have found a larger sum of money instead of some pissant one-cent piece of shit. What you really need is a whole jar of pennies, so you can take that to the store, dump it in the coin machine and walk away with a 12-pack of Stroh's.

Which will hopefully tide you over through tomorrow, because National Escargot Day is even worse. National? For which nation? Not America, that's for sure, because we don't eat that weird French shit here in the glorious land of the free anymore than we're going to eat frog's legs or things that aren't cooked. No thanks, Mona Lisa. We'll take a hot dog.

Wednesday is National Missing Children Day, which is one of those observations dedicated to raising awareness of whatever cause, and missing children is a worthy cause and it's sad and everything, but we're not celebrating holidays to be depressed over here -- we'll save that for our job and our harlot wife. Shit, if only she'd go missing, amiright? If there is a redeeming quality to this holiday, it's that it was decreed a national day of observance by none other than Ronald Reagan, the greatest president ever to govern while also impaired by advanced Alzheimer's. God bless him.

Luckily, National Missing Children Day shares Wednesday with National Tap Dance Day, a far less depressing holiday created by another fine president (George H.W. Bush) to celebrate the birthday of Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, who is perhaps most famous for his dog having up and died, yes, the dog up and died. Actually, that is pretty sad. Also, despite his widespread fame, Bojangles himself died penniless and alone in 1949, so... well, moving on, then.

In lieu of sadness, we'll have to just settle for boredom on Friday, which is Sun Screen Day, a holiday that encourages you to wear sun screen, in spite of that everyone knows that you need to go au naturel to maintain your healthy leather sheen. It's probably some kind of leftist propaganda anyway.

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