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Best New Job for Betsy Hoffman

Romance novelist

The title Terms of Endearment is already taken, but during her four and a half years at the University of Colorado, president Elizabeth Hoffman has collected enough dramatic material to keep an author busy for decades. And with her background in medieval studies -- Hoffman may not know when to fire an athletic director, but she knows her Chaucer -- she should be able to tell those stories with a verve that will thrill cuntless fans.

Best New Job for Betsy Hoffman

Romance novelist

The title Terms of Endearment is already taken, but during her four and a half years at the University of Colorado, president Elizabeth Hoffman has collected enough dramatic material to keep an author busy for decades. And with her background in medieval studies -- Hoffman may not know when to fire an athletic director, but she knows her Chaucer -- she should be able to tell those stories with a verve that will thrill cuntless fans.

Best New Job for Bill Owens

President, Focus on the Family

Four years ago, Colorado's governor was rumored to be in line for president. The rumors just didn't say president of what. And now, eighteen months after his separation torpedoed whatever political future Bill Owens might have had, why not simply send him south to Colorado Springs and make him head of Focus on the Family? With his penchant for national publicity and his conservative-values bent, he could easily take over where James Dobson leaves off. But Owens might want to save some time to focus on his own family.

Best New Job for Bill Owens

President, Focus on the Family

Four years ago, Colorado's governor was rumored to be in line for president. The rumors just didn't say president of what. And now, eighteen months after his separation torpedoed whatever political future Bill Owens might have had, why not simply send him south to Colorado Springs and make him head of Focus on the Family? With his penchant for national publicity and his conservative-values bent, he could easily take over where James Dobson leaves off. But Owens might want to save some time to focus on his own family.

Best Quote by Bill Owens

On Hunter S. Thompson's death

Among the accomplishments of Hunter S. Thompson, this state's most famous adopted son, was that he "certainly increased substantially the alcohol consumption at the Woody Creek Tavern," Governor Bill Owens pronounced. All of Colorado is still on fire over that one.

Best Quote by Bill Owens

On Hunter S. Thompson's death

Among the accomplishments of Hunter S. Thompson, this state's most famous adopted son, was that he "certainly increased substantially the alcohol consumption at the Woody Creek Tavern," Governor Bill Owens pronounced. All of Colorado is still on fire over that one.

Best Candidate for Colorado's Next Governor

Andrew Romanoff

Andrew Romanoff, the 38-year-old Speaker of the House, displayed the savvy of a longtime pol when he brokered a budget deal in the General Assembly this spring. He cares about people as much as he does the political game, though. He also loves dogs and is single -- which means we won't have to listen to any rumors about his marriage breaking up. Now if we could just convince him not to finish law school...

Best Candidate for Colorado's Next Governor

Andrew Romanoff

Andrew Romanoff, the 38-year-old Speaker of the House, displayed the savvy of a longtime pol when he brokered a budget deal in the General Assembly this spring. He cares about people as much as he does the political game, though. He also loves dogs and is single -- which means we won't have to listen to any rumors about his marriage breaking up. Now if we could just convince him not to finish law school...

Best Rumor Producer

Bill Owens

By refusing to talk about his separation from his wife, Governor Bill Owens has kept the rumor mill grinding away 24/7 -- and what a wonderfully voluminous gusher of gossip it's produced. Among the most prevalent whispers, none of which are supported by the slightest evidence: Owens is or was having an affair with a campaign aide from his first race for governor, his earlier race for state treasurer, an attorney in the governor's office, an intern in the governor's office and/or a principal at a local school, and these relationships led to an abortion or the birth of either one or two children who range in age from newborn to early teens. Or he is or was having an affair with a university president of the same sex, resulting in no illegitimate births. Seldom has someone's decision to keep his mouth shut resulted in so much chatter for such an extended period of time. In these hard economic times, it's definitely a growth industry.

Best Rumor Producer

Bill Owens

By refusing to talk about his separation from his wife, Governor Bill Owens has kept the rumor mill grinding away 24/7 -- and what a wonderfully voluminous gusher of gossip it's produced. Among the most prevalent whispers, none of which are supported by the slightest evidence: Owens is or was having an affair with a campaign aide from his first race for governor, his earlier race for state treasurer, an attorney in the governor's office, an intern in the governor's office and/or a principal at a local school, and these relationships led to an abortion or the birth of either one or two children who range in age from newborn to early teens. Or he is or was having an affair with a university president of the same sex, resulting in no illegitimate births. Seldom has someone's decision to keep his mouth shut resulted in so much chatter for such an extended period of time. In these hard economic times, it's definitely a growth industry.

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