Stonely Hearts Club: Five Pot-Infused Ways to Treat Yo' Self on Valentine's Day

Welcome to Sergeant Fuego's Stonely Hearts Club, a group for all of us who will be stoned and alone on Valentine's Day. That's not a totally bad thing — Valentine's Day is all largely forced emotion and expensive bullshit — but when everyone else is celebrating their togetherness and you're thinking about getting a second cat, the anxiety mosquito starts biting.

I'm not here to tell you to smoke the entire weed jar because you feel like a lonely mutant at table nine during a wedding. In fact, don't do that. But there are some forms of cannabis self-care and indulgence that can help members of this club get past the lovey-dovey garbage with a clear head, sound body or satisfied stomach.

CBD Massage

We don't blame you if a massage hasn't seemed in the cards during much of the pandemic, but massage therapists are operating under strict sanitary guidelines, and a lot of them will incorporate CBD lotions, salves and oils into your session if asked. Our current favorite is Denver's Color Up, a CBD-therapy fantasy factory located at 1448 West Cedar Avenue in the Valverde neighborhood. With an in-house CBD lab, shopping area and several massage therapists and estheticians available, you'll get a dose of education and take-home options before and after a session.

Take a Weed Bath

Your cannabis glow-up doesn't need to start or end with a massage. CBD bath bombs are cheap and widely available, and you can take that to the next level if you live near a dispensary. Not only do THC-infused bath bombs and soaks relax your body and help the skin, they'll get you baked in a way similar to that of edibles. (Just ask our reviewer, who regretted bringing her usual beer joint to the tub after a long session with an infused bath bomb.) Stoner tips: Hang in the tub longer for stronger effects, stay hydrated, and don't add any more consumption to the mix unless you've done this before.

Wild Corgi Stoner Box, Delivered

Hey, not all of us want to better ourselves in times of loneliness, so no judging if all you plan to do on Valentine's Day is smoke a fat doob and order takeout — for many of us, that's a normal Sunday night. But if you really want to indulge, consider the Wild Corgi Pub's stoner packs. The Capitol Hill restaurant offers $20 boxes for delivery and takeout, each named after the staff's favorite cannabis strains. The boxes are packed with deep-fried carnival favorites such as chicken wings, sliders, mozzarella sticks and cheese curds, as well as desserts including Oreos, Cosmic Brownies and churros, and both a Capri-Sun and a Hi-C juice box. Order the childhood lunchbox you always wanted, throw on an old episode of The Simpsons, and live to fight another day.

Creative Rolling

Getting lost in a creative project is how many artistic types get through a rough night. Creative joint-rolling — the process of rolling joints that look like crosses, hearts, animals and other things that aren't joints — not only gives you an opportunity to zone out creatively, but you can smoke the end product (though that can be a sad moment). There are a number of guides available for beginners; you can buy one from a professional at WolfPac Cannabis, a Denver dispensary that employs a creative rolling director who's twisting up serious smokeable artwork.

Infused Feast for One

Dispensary edibles are probably more predictable than what you'll whip up at home, but why not give it a try?  Take the time to infuse olive oil, butter or coconut oil with a bag of weed, and get to work on an infused dinner. We've come up with a number of quick options, but I recommend a stir-fry. Cook chicken and veggies in infused oil, boil some noodles, and mix it all together with an infused homemade peanut sauce (peanut butter and hash mix very well, and peanut sauce is easy to make). The weed flavor should disappear, but add a little sriracha if you're worried. For dessert, buy an infused chocolate bar, break off a few pieces, and melt it in a pan with simmering milk for cannabis cocoa.