I cannot believe that Tina finally punched Beth on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel! Those minxes have been angling for a catfight for three seasons, but I figured, hey, Beth is a crazy bitch, but if there hadn't been bloodshed by now, there never would be. And then wham!, first episode, Tina up and smacks fat Beth right in her cum-target face! Fellow cast members' jaws dropped, and host TJ Lavin was momentarily jolted out of his trademark does-he-or-doesn't-he-have-a-mild-form-of-Down's stupor, while MTV execs scrambled to teach that BMX dolt a few new words to describe the situation. What's So Funny totally freaked! I shrieked for three minutes straight and then started to write a text blast to, like, everyone in my phone book -- but suddenly, something even bigger happened. I saw the trailer for The Real World: Denver.
I don't know -- and at the rate that so-called science is advancing, never will know -- what it feels like to birth a child out of mine own supple uterus, but I imagine seeing that trailer is the closest I'll come to experiencing the sensation. Because there on MTV were shots of my city being enjoyed by a new crop of reality-TV opportunists. Of course I knew the show had filmed here -- you'd have to be as stupid as TJ not to know that -- but until I saw the actual promo, I never believed there would truly be a series. Not even after meeting the cast members during a staged interview at the Real World house a few weeks ago, when they rattled off the names of the awful bars they'd frequented and invented strange words like "discongruency."
But now I know the Real World is really coming! And so here's my advance on the cast you'll get an introduction to on a special this week, before the show starts airing November 22. For convenience's sake, the women are in the order I'd sleep with them.
Alex: If Urban Outfitters could sell an "Alex," it would. He has that you-know-I-know-that-you-know-that-I-know look about him and a cocky Texas sneer that absolutely melted the little girl in me. If the hot-tub water at the house had a flavor, it would taste like Alex.
Stephen: Oh, jeez, here we go again. Black Howard University cat who wants to be a lawyer and blah blah fucking blah. Because all of the most effective civil-rights attorneys springboard their careers from reality television. Stephen will annoy everyone with optimistic college-kid talk about changing the world, when all you want is for the cast to get back to the Jaeger-swilling and dry humping. Thanks for the bring-down, Stephen, you fucking jerk.
Davis: May I just say, Davis, you are the most handsome gay man this little Real World show has ever seen. Unfortunately, you're not comfortable in your skin yet, so anyone hoping for hot man-on-man action will be better off joining the New Life Church.
Tyrie: Tyrie be the straight Omaha, Nebraska, hard-as-fuck gangstar -- who, as soon as he opens his mouth has you fashioning your shoestrings into a noose. When asked about the Real World experience, Tyrie lamented how people would always come up and, like, straight try to buy him drinks and straight ask him about his life, and he straight don't feel obligated to straight tell you about his life, knawhat I mean? Not at all, Tyrie, but the fact that you get pissed off so easily is going to make for TV gold.
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Brooke: You wouldn't think that Brooke would be the first cast member I'd sleep with, but she is. Because she talked about how she's interested in journalism, and asked me about me, okay, and you ladies need to learn that we men like attention, too. Plus, while I was walking around upstairs looking at the house, Brooke walked past me and climbed into bed to nap, and there was something in her little strut that said, "Come join me, What's So Funny, these Real World losers are half the man you are." Plus she has bombs.
Colie: Also has bombs, so she's second.
Jennifer: Jen-Jen is an Oakland Raiderette, so normally she'd be high on my list, being an NFL cheerleader and all. But the thing is, she's terrifying. Imagine if a Stepford Wife devoured an entire sorority, then got blasted with a botox firehose -- that's Jen-Jen. She didn't seem real, and her eyes followed you around the room, like a horrifying, empty painting. My prediction for Jen: meltdown after meltdown after meltdown!
So there you have it: the cast of The Real World: Denver, a volatile brood of half-wits and do-gooders, frustrated fighters and glorious breasts. I will remember my time with them fondly, and someday, when they are recycled into the vaults of washed-up MTV reality stars, I look forward to seeing one of them smack Beth in the face.