So you think you're a Radiohead fan. But have you spent hours considering what the band's songs would mean if they were all really about sex? If they were sung by Barry White (or, in some cases, Marilyn Manson)? If, instead of doom and gloom, they were just about getting a room?
This is the kind of mental calisthenics that makes you fitter, happier and more productive, if also kind of a creep. So we did it for you: Presented below are Radiohead song titles that could easily — and somewhat terrifyingly — serve double duty as the names of new sex positions.
"High and Dry"
Key line: "All your insides fall to pieces/You just sit there wishing you could still make love." Although it's unclear how many people in their right sexual minds would want to try this move, let's face it: It happens all the time. And this is, after all, on an album called The Bends.
"4 Minute Warning"
Key line: "Laying flat on the ground/Just like everybody." This one's pretty self-explanatory, though equally unsatisfying. Should your sexcapade last as long as a Radiohead song, you're probably doing it wrong.
"Down Is the New Up"
Key line: "I shall now perform a 180 flip-flop...I shall now contort." The line between these two is "I shall now amputate," but we had no idea what to do with that, so we're not going anywhere near it. Instead, we'll leave you to imagine the less-X-rated realities of what is otherwise just a simple change in position.
Key line: "We will shrink and we'll be quiet as mice/And while the cat is away/Do what we want." After a little Googling (sorry, work computer), it's obvious this is an actual sex (and yoga) position. Should you need more than this vaguely unsettling Radiohead lyric as instruction, feel free to take to the Internet yourself.
"Everything in Its Right Place"
Key line: "Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon." See: missionary position.
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"Bangers and Mash"
Key line: "You bit me, bit me and I want more." Seriously. This one might serve better as a pseudonym for private parts than something produced when they are used, but we're including it anyway.
"Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box"
Key line: "After years of waiting, nothing came." This, I'm pretty sure, is what the other two people in our Bonnaroo tent were doing.