Guido and guidettes, have you heard the news? Pauly D, the super-creepin', GTL-in' cast member from the cultural phenomenon Jersey Shore will be beatin' up the beat tonight at Beta. Personally, we haven't been this excited about anything since Walgreens offered two-for-one spray tan in a can. There's no other Jersey Shore cast member we'd rather welcome to our fine city than Pauly D. Here are five reasons why he's the most desirable one of the bunch.
1) He seems like a decent-enough guy (at least compared to everybody else). There's a strange family-values subtext running through the Jersey Shore, buried as it may be beneath layers and layers of decrepitude. Sure, the gang may sleep with one another, do horrible things behind each other's backs and, as JWoww memorably put it, put Vaseline on their faces, tie their hair up, take their earrings out and beat the crap out of each other, but come Sunday, they all sit down for a nice Italian dinner.
And Pauly D seems like the nicest guy of the bunch. He's not a domestic violence infraction waiting to happen like Ronny, doesn't make random strangers touch his abdominal muscles like the Situation, doesn't have disturbing mommy issues like Vinnie. Does this make him a saint? No, but in the world of the Jersey Shore, everything's relative, baby.
2) He took the grenade. When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first. Last year, Pauly D was that buddy, taking the grenade like a true American hero so his fellow commando, the Situation, could achieve glory on the battlefield. And for that, Pauly D, we salute you. If Seaside Heights gave out Purple Hearts, you'd be the first in line.
3) He's the only one with sort of a real job. On career day in high school, it seems the entirety of the Jersey Shore cast save Pauly was robo-tripping in the bathroom. In Season One, Vinny acts like the throwaway job the producers assigned them at the T-shirt shop was a fast-track to a corner office in the Trump World Tower.
In Season Two, we're pretty sure Snooki is the only person in history to be incapable of working in an ice cream store. And Sammi Sweetheart? She's never gotten out of bed long enough to actually go to work. Pauly, on the other hand, is touring the country as a DJ and making guest appearances at places like Beta. And yes, we're totally sure the hype around him is based solely on his killer skills on the turntable.
4) He's old. Pauly D is old-old, like 57 or something. Apparently, all that spray-tan has kept his body in a state of cryogenic limbo. You should go seem him now, since in a year or two he's likely to retire or die of old age.
5) He's not Angelina. Seriously, have you seen that girl? She should just pack up her shit in her trash bag and get the hell out.