If you're the type of person who don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump 'n' grind, then gather round: This one's for you. During the hypersexualized years of the Clinton era, the potent blend of R&B that took hold had a penchant for cliched, over-the-top lyrics about gettin' busy, getting freaky, knocking boots, yada yada.
How many euphemisms could there possibly be for doin' it? Well, uh, let's see, why don't you ask Bobby Brown, Color Me Badd and Shai? I bet all those dudes could come up with at least, oh, I don't know, 69 or so. But don't light candles and fill the bathtub just yet. Some of those classic 1990s R&B hits contain some truly WTF-worthy lyrics. Let's take a look, shall we?
See also: Ten things R. Kelly taught us about love
10. Bell Biv Devoe - "Do Me"
"Girl, let your hair down. Take off your clothes and leave on your shoes" and "Backstage, underage adolescent. How ya doin? Fine, she replied. I sighed. I like to do the wild thing. Action took place. Mmm, kinda wet. Don't forget the J the I the M the M the Y, yo! I need a body bag."
How many licks does it take to get to the center of this crazy nonsense? First, we've got a slightly odd but overall benign reference to a foot fetish. Okay, it's kinda weird, but no big deal. But then they come in with this rap breakdown that describes...uh...sex with an underage girl, followed by killing her? Am I missing something? Oh, I get it. Body bag is some super-cool '90s term for a condom. Nice work there, BBD.
9. Solo - "Where Do You Want Me to Put It?"
"Where do you want me to put it? If you want me to get it right, tell me, what should I do with it? Cause you're startin' to work it down, and I don't want to lose it."
What's incredibly bizarre is that this no-holds-barred, completely euphemism-free raunch anthem is preceded by the dudes of Solo doing a truly fantastic a cappella Sam Cooke medley. They go straight from "My baby likes to do the cha-cha-cha" into "Where you want me to put this, girl?!?!" Well. That escalated rather quickly, didn't it?
8. Aaron Hall - "Don't Be Afraid"
"All the doors are locked, baby, and I have you inside. You can yell, and you can hit me; it just makes me horny."
It's actually kind of hard to pick out which lyrics in this WTF-mobile make you feel the slimiest. Is it when he says "You'll be saying daddy to me, boy, please don't hurt me"? Is it the constant refrain to give in and not be scared? Nah, I think it's that creepster line about locking the girl in your house while she yells. Dang, I know he's a freak, but I'd prefer R. Kelly telling me we're gonna have a yabbadabbadoo time over this sketchball any day of the week. Speaking of which...
7. R. Kelly - "She's Got That Vibe"
"Like Flintstones, we'll have a yabbadabbadoo."
R. Kelly straight-up dropped a Flintstones reference into a song about having a crush on a girl. Let that one sink in. If anything, this goes to show that Kelly was into weird shit way before he gave us this amazing scene in Trapped in the Closet. But on the real: Does this work? Can you convince someone to go on a date with you by telling them you're going to have a yabbadabbadoo time? Someone try it out and report back, will ya?
6. Babyface - "Whip Appeal"
"Keep on whippin' on me. Work it on me. Whip all your sweet, sweet lovin' on me. We got a way of talking and it's better than words. It's the strangest kind of relationship. Oh, but with us, it always works."
Long before Fifty Shades of Grey made BDSM acceptably edgy to bored housewives, Babyface was dropping some truth on the masses with his not-so-subtle "Whip Appeal." Other New Jack Swing artists romance their lady folk with the usual suspects: massages, baths, silk robes, white wine. Babyface is interested in something a little more sinister.
5. Another Bad Creation - "Playground"
"Suckers on the corner looking down at their beepers. They couldn't get a job or a nice home, so they wanna stay and wait for the pay phone"
Remember: this is a song sung by legitimate children whose previous hit, "Iesha," was about wooing a girl with cereal and Nintendo (which remains to this day, incidentally, my idea of a dream date). Suddenly in this song, they're hardened gangsters who play on a playground frequented by drug dealers. Um, wut?
4. Wrecks 'N Effect - "New Jack Swing"
"It's the New Jack Swing. Was it something wrong that she can clean?"
Wait, what? Not only does it make no sense, but it doesn't even rhyme, so you can't really use that as an excuse. Does he want to know if New Jack Swing is something a woman can clean? Does he want to know if there's something wrong with the funky fresh beats of 1990s R&B? (Hint: There most definitely is not.) Maybe he needs to chat with H-Town about the towels they want ladies to bust out.
3. H-Town - "Knockin' the Boots"
"We on the intermission tip. So all you ladies get your towels, you know what I'm sayin'?"
I don't know about you, but when I think knockin' the boots, I think cleanup on aisle five. Zing! Butt seriously, y'all. I don't know what he's saying, and I don't really want to think about it too hard. That's actually a good rule of thumb for any of these songs.
2. Color Me Badd -"I Wanna Sex You Up"
"We can do it til we both wake up" or "Makin' love until we drown"
Sleep sex is a real thing, and maybe the unfortunate members of Color Me Badd suffered from this terrible condition. But how does that explain their desire to make love with you until you drown? And drown in what, dare I ask? Please say an overflowing bathtub. I don't even want to think of the other possibilities.
1. Silk - "Freak Me"
"24-carat gold to warm the nights when you get cold"
I just want to start by saying that if you want a guaranteed A-plus night of boot-knocking, I would highly recommend playing this song to your special lady friend. Just make sure she doesn't listen to the lyrics too closely, because they read like a junior Cosmo writer's first attempt at a sex column. Also, maybe the Silk dudes were too busy chatting up the PYTs in their high-school science class to learn that gold does not actually have any powers to radiate warmth.