If you spent the wee hours of your morning taking in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1, you embarked on the strangest sort of cultural safari. On the way, you saw beautiful things (women discussing gender stereotypes while comparing their Jacob keychains) and you saw terrible, terrible things: At one point, the movie turns into a home birth video in which all of the people present look at the placenta like food. But if you could rip your human eyes away from all the vampire glory, you'll notice that your ears also shared in the shame.
Continue through for a list of the five most embarrassing quotes from both the movie and the Twihards.
Five most embarrassing quotes from fans: 5. From Karen, a 42-year-old mother of three: "I haven't experienced this kind of passion since I wanted to be a nun. I lived in a convent for a year, but let's be real: Edward Cullen wasn't there."
4. From a middle-aged man who ordered approximately nine pounds of popcorn: "I hope this is enough."
3. From the 12-year-old boy in a Weezer shirt behind me to his older sister: "Please, you have to promise me. If you tell anyone I was here, I'll have to move to Zimbabwe."
2. From the woman in a "Bite me" shirt: "Who's even going to see Part 2? This is the one where they have all the sex. I just want to see him break the bed."
1. From the woman to my left, during an intensely bizarre scene involving both the miracle of childbirth, all of the blood that comes with it and all of the vampires that are into that: "Dear god, why? I mean it: Why? This is not supposed to be like this. This is messed up."
And then we get to the tween masterpiece itself, a world in which vampires sparkle, teens wait for marriage to have sex and shame, apparently, does not exist. It's important to note that most of the dialogue gems came straight from the mouths of its two stars, vampire babe Edward and awkward regular girl Bella, who spend most of the movie doing it and then waiting for their demon spawn to slowly kill Bella from the inside. Seriously.
Five most embarrassing bits of movie dialogue: 5. Bella: "Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies." (Editor's note: Ummm, what?)
4. Edward: "I'll meet you at the altar." Bella: "I'll be the one in white."
3. Jacob: "You think I'd be used to telling you goodbye by now."
2. Edward: "No measure of time with you will be enough, but let's start with forever."
1. Carlisle: "The fetus isn't compatible with your body. It's too strong."