There is nothing wrong with consenting adults using sex toys to spice up some otherwise boring bed-sport, and the adult-toy industry has come up with a truly dazzling selection of every possible implement for every possible body part/orifice. But for every pair of pink, fuzzy handcuffs and every benign blow-up doll, there also lurks a toy that defies belief.
Here are five of the weirdest sex toys out there Warning: your sex-toy cherry will be popped at some point while reading this list.
5. It's not an instant Cup 'O Noodles... But it is hot, presumably satisfying and comes with a flavor packet. The Cup Nude looks like a noodle cup on the outside -- especially if you squint a lot -- but after removing the top, you see not a stack of container-conforming fried pasta but instead a suspiciously pink mass of...something squishy that probably isn't toxic, but should definitely not be consumed. The accompanying packet is clearly labeled "Gently Acid Lotion," which sounds totally legit and perfect to get smeared all over your dingle-dangle. Truth be screamed here, it might actually be safer to dip your dong into an actual noodle cup, handle your bonky business, and come out smelling like beef, chicken or shrimp. 4. Sola, the eco-friendly vibe Folks who try to restrain their carbon footprints -- and mushroom/peach stamps -- apparently need love, too, and this loving-the-earth-and-yourself vibrator is shaped like a flower and carries with it a solar panel much bigger than the actual buzzer to capture the energy of sunlight, and fuel the minutes of fun it produces. Which makes you wonder, "What are the granolas supposed to jig their junk with on cloudy days?" For that matter, yuppie hipsters who really wanted to save energy (not to mention the $70 this costs) could just use their fucking fingers. 3. The gold standard of vibrators This may be the most expensive vibrator in existence: 18 karat gold-plated and selling for $1,000. It's made in Sweden by Lelo, a company that produces some seriously high-end pleasure gadgets, but the sheer ostentatiousness of this one channels a Sacha Baron Cohen movie-prop feel. It's hard not to picture Middle Eastern oil sheiks and bored Beverly Hills housewives being the only buyers willing to diddle away a sack of cash for this Tiffany of sex toys -- and that's not exactly a stimulating mental picture. 2. Like a virgin -- or a bunch of virgins The whole female virgin thing appeals to some guys, just like being thrown down on a bearskin rug by a guy who looks like Jason Momoa (preferably wearing eyeliner and a matching fur loincloth) appeals to some women. And while neither fantasy is right or wrong, when the search for un-tapped ass becomes a fetish-bound-for-obsession, then the creepiness takes over and the understanding comes to a halt -- particularly since most girls don't relish the usually-awful experience of getting their V-cards stamped because most guys actually suck at making first times good. So maybe it's better that those guys go with this toy: The female anatomy cutout masturbator has an anus, a vagina and a hymen to dispense with, with the added bonus of being re-virginized with reloadable hymens, complete with red lotion so "she" can "bleed" on the sheets, all medieval-marriage style.
Perhaps inexperienced/insensitive men could use this toy to become better lovers, but that's probably too much to hope for.
1. Close encounters When Fleshlight sleeves for men first came out, I was impressed by the ingenuity of placing a male masturbatory sleeve in a discreet case that looked like a flashlight -- of course, this was before I thought it through and realized that if one of my roomies took a flashlight to bed, I'd probably be more curious than if he just sat at his computer and gave himself a handy. Over the years, the company has produced some useful models with neato sizes, textures, colors, styles of labia and buns, and even a vibrating shower mount. Then came the movie Avatar, with its giant blue aliens, and Fleshlight decided to enable men to go where no men have gone before -- into glowing blue extraterrestrial vagina-tubes. The Alien Fleshlight features a spiral vortex, a chamber shaped like a lotus flower, and a bottleneck leading to the main chamber filled with nodules.
The only things that could possibly make this sex toy sexier is upgrading it to glow in the dark, pulsate at random intervals, and occasionally send out a probe. And by sexy, I really mean creep-tastic, disturbing, sci-fi-geeks-gone-wild, slightly-past-borderline irrational and....blue.