The definition of "water sports" heard during the Olympics is very different from the one used by those with kinkier predilections. But participants in the latter know it's good form to find a willing partner -- and the woman on whom Timothy Paez allegedly urinated at a Boulder bar definitely doesn't qualify.
The Boulder Police report about the incident, which took place this past Saturday, is on view below -- and it includes a voluntary statement from the woman in question.
"On July 28, 2012, at approximately 11:45 p.m. at Shooters Bar and Grill in Boulder, CO, I was standing at the bar, facing the bar with my arms on the actual bar," she writes.
At that point, she goes on, "the guy" -- later identified as Paez, 22 -- "approached next to me slightly."
Her response? "I looked at him and said, 'Umm, really?!"
At that point, Paez backed off. But a few seconds later, she recalls, "I felt cold liquid on my right leg."
Initially, she thought "it was his beer spilling. But when I looked to the right, I noticed he was urinating on the lower front wall of the bar and on my leg."
The woman reacted the way most of us would have. She yelled, "Oh my God, he's peeing!"
At that point, she tried to lean as far away from the stream as possible while the bartender circled around and escorted Paez outside.
Upon his arrival at the scene, a Boulder Police officer quizzed Paez, who seemed incapable of answering simple questions -- like how much he'd had to drink. And although he apparently knew he'd taken a leak on someone, he was unclear about who. At first, he reportedly thought the target was his "former male partner," but he eventually changed his mind about that.
The cops also chatted with the woman, who said that Paez's penis exposure and subsequent demonstration of his flow left her feeling "grossed out."
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That about sums it up. Paez was charged with public indecency and harassment -- two achievements for which gold medals are not awarded. Here's a larger look at his booking photo, followed by the aforementioned police report.
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Austin Tingley and pal allegedly urinate in police car -- and they're not the only ones."