What would you prefer, Charlie Sheen -- a court hearing or a colonoscopy?

Charlie Sheen's got responsibilities he'd rather avoid in both the non-fiction and fiction universes.

On Wednesday, he's scheduled to appear in an Aspen courtroom in relation to a Christmas day incident when he allegedly threatened and assaulted his wife, Brooke. His lawyers are doing their damnedest to make sure the results aren't broadcast despite an anticipated press horde so large authorities have instituted a lottery to choose who gets to watch the fun in person.

Meanwhile, on tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men, Charlie's character, cleverly named "Charlie," is supposed to go meet his girlfriend Chelsea's bigoted parents, but chooses to undergo a colonoscopy instead.

Note to judge: If Sheen calls late Tuesday night saying he can't come to Colorado because of a previously scheduled anal probe, don't believe it for a second.