The New York Times gave Denver a thumbs-up in its September 9 issue, writing in an article titled “Dear Amazon, We Picked Your New Headquarters for You” that the second home base for the ’net-retail giant should be (drum roll)…right here in the Mile High. The NYT's reasons are the usual stuff that we already know about good ol’ Denver: a young and smart population, ready to work; a central location in the U.S., with an international airport; and a fantastic quality of life, complete with good mass-transit options (shhh…don’t tell them that it sometimes doesn’t work).
But as much as we appreciate the approval, with all due respect, we think that the New York Times missed a few points in our elevated favor. Here are the top ten reasons it didn’t consider...but should have.
10. Thinner Air, Easier Shipping
If the Rockies can hit the horsehide farther with less relative effort, then it stands to reason that the same would hold true for packages. They’d shoot out of the distribution centers like the cork out of the champagne Amazon stockholders will consume when they see the increase in speed reflected in their quarterly earnings.
9. Denver and DIA Are Already Home to the Illuminati
Or the New World Order, or the Reptoids, or whatever weird doomsday cult people think are using the fabled secret tunnels underneath the airport. Sure, it might all be complete crap, but…what if it’s not? We have to think that a giant company like Amazon has some ties to the Illuminati.
8. Mile High Stadium? Try Amazon Marketplace at Mile High
With a strong sports-fan base already in place, Amazon can move right in and jump on the bandwagon — and by that we mean pay for skyboxes and advertising all over the place. And what better spot to put the Amazon smiley-arrow than right there where it says "Sports Authority?" Other naming rights we’d consider: Casa Amazon Bonita. Hell, we’ll even turn the Big Blue Bear into a giant blue Danbo, if you want.
7. Tom Shane
Jeff Bezos, you, too, can have a friend in the diamond business.
6. There’s Another Post in Need of Saving
That whole buying-the-Washington-Post thing went pretty well back in 2013. Maybe Bezos can add to his Post empire by purchasing Denver’s own. After all, just like groceries, newspapers are real things that can be held, and Amazon seems intent on embracing the physical, moving in more tactile directions. Bezos can be another print-media hero, Amazon can add to its clout as an overall media giant, and Denver can still have a hometown daily that’s larger than a school newspaper. Win-win-win-sad-win!
5. Our Public Art Is Itself a Statement of Denver’s Capacity for Tolerance
Clearly, Denver is not only a fan of public art in general, but we’re unafraid to say “Hey, I love that big pile of glowing kidneys. Let’s put it on a bridge!” or “What do visitors to our fair city want to see when they arrive, tired and hopeful? Yes, yes…giant demon horse! Fucking genius!” So, yeah, we’ve all learned to be pretty open on most subjects. (The pot legalization didn’t hurt our laid-back attitude, one has to admit.) So don’t worry, Jeff. Amazon’s sometimes-questionable moves won’t even warrant a comment, let alone anything approaching a challenge.
4. Red Rocks
Because Red Rocks is a mandatory inclusion on anyone’s list of “Reasons to Move to Denver.”
3. Good Weather (and an Enviable Bar-Patio-to-Sunday-Drinker Ratio)
Does your snow melt, Midwest? What about you, Northeast? And what about all your crazy weather, Southwest and Southeast? Everyone here brags about the 300 days of sunshine — but really, that’s just code for “We can be on the patios and rooftops day-drinking at least forty-something weeks out of the year."
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2. Our Housing Is Totally Affordable…From a Certain Point of View
Many of the commenters on the NYT piece suggest that Denver has affordable housing, which is laughable to people actually in Denver. But they're partially right, because "affordability" is relative. Denver's housing market is insane, but it's not as bad as NYC's, San Francisco's or even Chicago's.
Because, really, c’mon. Not only are techies known potheads, but Amazon was clearly a puff-puff-pass idea, hence the reason (we think) it's headquartered in Seattle, Washington, where pot is legal. Bring it full circle, Jeff. Bring it full circle.