Cannabis Strains, Rated

Confused by all the cannabis strain names? There are hundreds of them, including one-time varieties named after Jeff Sessions and Peyton Manning. And even strains bearing the same time-honored names can be completely different depending on growing conditions and genetics.

But over the years, I’ve come to recognize that you can depend on the quality of certain varieties, for better or for worse. Here’s a handy guide to which strains deserve their reputations...and which don’t.

Blue Dream

There’s a reason that Blue Dream is always on sale. The strain is pushed by dispensaries because of its high yields and resilience to hot temperatures and powdery mildew, and has easily been the highest-selling strain since retail sales began in 2014. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, though. The looks, flavor and smell of Blue Dream vary heavily from store to store, and the high, while strong, is rather listless. Such a Chad strain.

God’s Gift
More like God’s Meh. This is neither from God, nor is it a gift to any seasoned toker. Luckily, God’s Gift isn’t that popular in Colorado dispensaries anymore, but street dealers still carry it. Keep religion out of cannabis!

Tastes like butt, and there are plenty of other CBD strains out there. Try them instead.

OG Kush
No disrespect, but find me a science lab that says “This is definitively OG Kush,” and I’ll show you Zeus’s dick. We’ll never turn down something stanky that’s labeled “OG,” but the name itself encompasses too much.

Pineapple Express
Funny movie, average strain.

I really like Girl Scout Cookies, along with just about any strain the potent hybrid has bred, like Granola Funk, Wedding Cake, Do-Si-Dos, Gelato (the list goes on), but by now the concept is overkill. There are other strains out there.

Durban Poison
It pains me to put this strain on the list because, like Girl Scout Cookies, Durban Poison is a worthy classic. However, some dispensaries have diluted its value, hawking versions that are far from the pure-sativa landrace genetics that made it loved. Durban also makes me a yawning, cranky little shit during the comedown (my problem, not yours).

Gorilla Glue
Nothing wrong with it, but no strain name is worth a lawsuit. You can’t argue with Gorilla Glue’s potency or the list of children it has spawned — but why does every dispensary need to carry it? Also, I’ve never sought out Gorilla Glue for the strain’s flavor. Just saying.