Pie in the Sky

What's So Funny was angry when the clerk at the ticket counter informed him that the plane to San Antonio was full and that he would not be able to switch out his middle seat. He muttered his way through security, sure that he would find himself sandwiched between some wheezing whale of a housewife oozing flesh over the armrest and a mustached trafficker of international body odor.

But he was wrong. Upon arriving at row 34, Funny popped a double take, then gave thanks to the Almighty -- for two sexy bitches, giggling and tan, flanked his middle seat. "Excuse me, I'm going to have to slide by you," he told the gorgeous blonde with the perky nipples that blinked at him from beneath her blouse.

"Of course," she said in a husky whisper, and as he shuffled past her, she stroked him ever so subtly across his stomach.

No sooner had Funny seated himself than he was accosted by the brunette siren in 34F, with a bra size that matched her seat number and lips loose enough to sink the Titanic. "Isn't my friend fucking hot?" she asked, grabbing him firmly on the upper thigh.

"Yes," Funny choked, trying hard not to peek at her enormous breasts, which were waging a winning battle against the top of her tank top.

"Well, she's a fucking slut," she said. "And so am I." With that, she stuck out her pierced tongue suggestively, then threw her head back and cackled. Funny tried to keep his cool, but lost it when he spotted a small tattoo of a Playboy bunny on her midriff. The blonde had one, too. Holy shit: These were Playmates!

The girls were drunk, real drunk, and no sooner was the plane in the air than they turned on each other.

"You're such a drunk," the blonde told the brunette.

"So what?" the brunette replied, before swigging liberally from a flask of gin. "At least I'm not a fat whore like you."

"Fuck you."

"Why don't you get a real boob job, you cheap bitch?"

With that, both girls burst into loud, wild laughter -- the combination of an inside joke and booze -- and several people seated nearby implored them to keep it down.

"Go to hell," the brunette told an old man. "We're celebrities. We can do whatever we want."

Funny laughed at that, provoking the vixen's fury.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" she asked him.

"No, I -- " he stammered.

"You think you're a big man for laughing at me?"

"No, really, I'm sorry, I was just -- "

"Well, we'll see what kind of man you are, won't we, Carrie?"

The blonde looked Funny up and down, then smiled.


With that, the two playmates led What's So Funny to the back of the plane, took him into the bathroom and promptly fucked the sense out of him.

Fade to black.

Isn't that a happy holiday story, everyone? Too bad it didn't happen. Well, at least it didn't happen to What's So Funny. But as for two Playboy playmates getting unruly on a Frontier flight this month -- that's the bona fide truth. Danielle Gamba and Carrie Minter (Google and you'll find them naked in, like, five seconds, for free!) boarded the plane in Denver already punch-drunk and sloppy, then proceeded to verbally battle each other, passengers, flight attendants, small dogs in carry-on cages and pretty much anyone within earshot. Their behavior was so bad that they were arrested once they arrived in San Antonio, where Gamba "continually was saying the word 'fuck'" and offered sexual favors in return for her freedom, according to the police report. Minter cried and yelled. Note to Minter: Grow up. Note to Gamba: Will you marry me?

Strange behavior indeed, but not altogether unprecedented. Seems like Denver International Airport has a penchant for pissed passengers. Last August, members of the Denver Barbarians returning from a rugby tournament swiped liquor bottles from the drink cart, got drunk and then urinated in the galley of the plane. But while the Barbarians got off with a slap on the wrist, the girls-just-want-to-have-fun twins got booked for public intoxication! And you know Hef is going to come down hard on them for this, too! Can you think of any more outrageous injustice?

Besides Tookie Williams, Guantanamo Bay and Bush admitting that the government monitors our cell phones, I mean.

These girls are being punished just for being good-looking. The devilishly handsome Funny understands this kind of persecution firsthand, which is why I will fight to see that Danielle and Carrie receive the justice that, as smoking hot women, they so sexily deserve. Give me a call, girls. We'll use the power of the press to battle this injustice. And when we finally meet in person to right these egregious wrongs, remind me that there's a short story I wrote about you two that I'd like to share.