Commentary

Why employers should hire touring musicians

In 2014, you should've already figured it out by now: Your dumpy, forgettable band with few fans should be touring. The need to turn your local bar band into a mobile poverty-stricken disaster unit is of utmost importance. It's your chance to see beautiful rolling landscapes, fall in love with people you'll only talk to on the Internet and learn how to comfortably carry yourself onstage. Tour is where baby takes his first steps -- gaining a new, elevated perspective and examining the world with awe while still shitting his pants.

Literally.