Cafe Society

Ray Loves Terrorists, Wants To Make Them Pie

I can’t believe that this is twice in a single week that I have to stand up for people or institutions that I can’t stand simply because they are being attacked by people or institutions that I can stand even less.

First it was Starbucks, the victim of an attack from Mark Dice and The Resistance, his organization of brain-damaged, faith-blind, conspiracy freaks and fundamentalist Christians – which inspired me to to form the Anti-Resistance, an insurgent group to combat the rampant idiocy of Dice’s called-for boycott of Starbucks over a change in one of its logos. For a full run-down on that slap-fight (and to become a member of the Anti-Resistance, which you really want to do because if I get enough response, I’m going to have T-shirts made) check out my blog, Slutbucks, here.

And now, I feel as though I have to defend Rachael Ray who, with her cutesy chipmunk cheeks, catch-phrases, ubiquitous television appearances and deep, black well of inchoate rage barely covered by a thin veneer of chipper public glee, is currently under fire from several dipshit bloggers who claim that because the single-minded advertising machine that is Rachael Ray chose to wear a particular scarf in a recent online ad for Dunkin’ Donuts, she’s supporting terrorism. Dipshit blogger (and conservative syndicated columnist and FoxNews contributor) Michelle Malkin seems to be most up-in-arms about the whole “terrorist chic” debacle, and she has written extensively about Ray’s fashion choices at (note: web editor refuses to link to this site), saying (among other things):

Anti-American fashion designers abroad and at home have mainstreamed and adapted the scarves as generic pro-Palestinian jihad or anti-war statements. Yet many folks out there remain completely oblivious to the apparel’s violent symbolism and anti-Israel overtones. Left-wing bloggers responded with complete scorn, deliberate mischaracterizations of the debate, and then outrage when Dunkin’ Donuts commendably showed sensitivity to the concerns and pulled the ad.

Here’s a picture of the scarf in question. Or at least the nearest thing to it I could find: Here’s Fraulein Ray wearing said scarf: Here’s a fairly famous picture of Yasser Arafat wearing what this woman claims is the same kind of scarf (called a keffiyah) on his head: And here’s a picture of a monkey dressed as Kim Jong-Il , just because any time I see a picture of Rachael Ray doing anything, I feel like I need to see a monkey doing something ridiculous just to knock the image of her smirking face out of my head:

Now look, kids. There are a lot of reasons to hate Rachael Ray. As a matter of fact, entire websites have been constructed around the premise of hating Rachael Ray, giving reasons why she is so loathsome, speculating on exactly what planet she was beamed down from and what her true mission here on earth really is. But this? This is just stupid. Dislike her because the recipes she pimps on her 117 different daily TV shows are bad. Dislike her because she has apparently never learned how to tip and stiffs the servers at every single restaurant she goes to while filming her show $40 a Day. Dislike her because the very sound of her voice, if heard too early in the morning, can cause seizures, vomiting and rectal bleeding in those of sensitive constitutions or who’ve been out late drinking whiskey with disgruntled line cooks in a parking lot.

But calling her a terrorist sympathizer because she’s wearing a scarf that actually looks nothing like the scarf that Michelle Malkin claims was worn by Arafat and is, in all actuality, most similar to the balaclava scarves worn by cold-weather hippies, yuppies who do all their shopping at Urban Outfitters (which sold plenty of balaclavas and keffiyahs before public pressure against this so-called “terrorist chic” fashion trend caused them to pull said items from their shelves in January of last year) funky ethnic import stores and members of the British SAS and Israeli Defense Force? That’s so far beyond the realm of common sense (and completely fucking racist, to boot, in assuming that all people who wear the keffiyah, balaclava or shemagh are terrorists) that I actually find myself, for one of the first times in my life, at a loss for words.

There should be some kind of massive, space-based laser constructed by NASA for times like this. A giant laser that is capable of tracking any single person on the planet, no matter where they go. And then, every single person on the planet should be given a button to push when someone in the world is acting so stupidly that their stupidity is actually causing pain in those forced to confront said stupidity. If enough people push their button all at the same time? ZAP! The giant, space-based, idiot-disintegrating laser fires and that person is reduced to a small pile of dust and fillings.

And don’t tell me that NASA can’t do this. Don’t tell me that they don’t have a bunch of rocket geeks sitting around in a room right now drawing pictures of giant space lasers for George Bush. And while I grant you that Dubya would likely be one of the first victims of the giant space laser, this is still one of those things -- like legalizing pot or bringing back the pillory as punishment for douchebag, Enron-style white-collar criminals -- that the government could do which would cause an immediate and measurable improvement in the quality of life on planet earth.

And while it might be too late to take care of twits like Malkin (who just can’t seem to find anything better to do than stoke this controversy), if they ever do get on the stick and start work on this anti-idiot orbital defense platform?

Then I, for one, would feel a lot better about paying my taxes. –- Jason Sheehan