Cafe Society

Top five foods the cast of Jersey Shore should be eating

I had never seen an episode of Jersey Shore until last week, and now that I've watched both the season-three opener and the second episode, I have come to a few conclusions. (Read Jersey Shore episode recaps in Show and Tell.)

First, I am grateful that my debauched and misspent twenties are over and no amount of money would induce me to hop in a DeLorean and relive even an hour. Second, my high-school guidance counselors were dead wrong: Swilling vodka, dressing like a head-shop hooker and cultivating a massive sense of entitlement could be a strategic career move. Third, if filet mignon being soaked in Italian dressing becomes haute cuisine, then I would be better off drowning myself in an apartment bathtub filled with Riunite and ice cubes than continuing to write about food for a living.

And after two shows, I also think those kids need a few good meals. But I'm not coming to the table with no casserole; I have suggestions. Here's a list of the top five foods the cast of Jersey Shore should be eating.

5. Some actual food. I watched the cast members graze out of to-go boxes in between drinks and cigarettes -- one of them ate a chip, the little screamy one with the tousled hair apparently likes to shove her acrylic nails in a pickle jar in lieu of nutrition, and the one meal I saw them sit down to did have a semblance of salad and meat, but one decent meal in two shows is just not sufficient for them to keep up their energy for constant whining and backstabbing. It would not hurt them one little bit to have a sandwich, a bowl of soup or a bran muffin.

4. Banana smoothies. Bananas are loaded with potassium, vitamin B6 and tryptophan. If this isn't enough to get these people to calm the fuck down and quit making everything everyone on the show says into Shakespearean drama, then maybe add a pinch of chamomile. Or a dropper or two of kava extract. Or just crush up a few Xanax. Bananas are also good at masking the taste of much-needed pharmaceuticals.

3. Eggs. I noticed a couple of the cast members -- the guy and girl in the dysfunctional you-cheated-on-me-in-Miami relationship --having a quiet breakfast in the kitchen with a few fried eggs. Keep that up, because eggs provide plenty of protein to build strong arm and leg muscles for punching/ kicking the crap out of the other female housemates who appear to be angry with her, and having strong, shiny hair will be a plus when the other girls start trying to yank it out during the next inane, bitchy catfight.

2. Carrots. There doesn't seem to be a difference between the dudes and the chicks with regard to the fake-bake tan issue. All of them look like jackass-o'-lanterns wearing Ed Hardy. So instead of them spending their early afternoons in the tanning bed, why don't they just chew through a few bags of carrots every day? It'll free up some time for each of them to maybe read a book or get some sort of talent or job training so that after their fifteen minutes comes up, they won't end up bagging doughnut holes at Krispy Kreme for a living.

1. Beans. These are known for being detoxifying to the liver, and since the entire cast apparently treats their blender like an electric messiah, a pot of chili beans or a carton of hummus might go a long way toward lowering their BACs to around .30. And another benefit of spooning down some musical fruit is they'll all be too gassy to try and hook up with random dipshits from the club, or each other. Obviously the guys' hairstyles and the girl's screeching and surfeit of Aqua Net aren't losing them any scores, so something should keep this gang of grammatically challenged "Guidos" and "Guidettes" from procreating. They need to accidentally breed about as badly as Jersey Shore needs to be on the air.

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