Word of Mouth

Valentine's Day: Five ways to say I love you with chocolate

Valentine's Day is almost here, which means guys are hurrying to make sure they take care of their ladies -- or at least get a dinner reservation for Sunday before they're all gone.

And while they're scrambling to find a two-top at Denny's, here are five ways that ladies can take care of their men -- by enriching their lives with chocolate.

#1. Remember to hold your temper when dealing with either your man or chocolate. Have patience. Chocolate has to find the ideal temperature. And if the melted milkiness isn't perfect, how can you expect him to be?

#2. A little nuttiness can give extra dimension to chocolate that you've been tending to for an hour. A sprinkle of crushed peanuts may add not only an element of surprise, but bring new enlightenment -- since you didn't know of his life-threatening allergy and he's now going into anaphylactic shock. Mmm, good times.

#3. Remember, chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Don't deprive yourself of the sweet, satisfying feel of chocolate in your mouth. You can even savor the flavor by disrobing, then enrobing your man with chocolate.

#4. Keep the chocolate dark -- it has the best antioxidants for your body (and you never know what kind of health he's in).

#5. Still, variety counts on Valentine's Day. You can serve chocolate in egg shapes filled with the liquor of your choice, rolled in nuts, or even with caramel frosting on top that you sculpted to look like your man. Give him variety, and he'll come back for more.

As Forrest Gump famously said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." But after all this sinful goodness, you should know exactly what you're going to get. Valentine's Day is not all hearts and flowers. As Weege wrote earlier this week, there's also bathroom sex and Scandinavian sex and cougar sex and Chef Rock sex.