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Top five foods that will not get you laid on Valentine's Day

While my New Year's resolution to try out the "Top five foods to get you laid on New Year's Eve" proved less than fruitful, all my research did help me come up with the "Top five foods that will not get you laid."

Just in time for Valentine's Day, here they are:

1) Maggot Cheese: Cheese is something to savor. A grilled cheese sammich, some tomato soup and a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir can fuel a cozy, romantic night at home -- unless you're making that sandwich with maggot cheese, that is. Maggot cheese is produced on the island of Sardinia using fresh goat's milk with the larvae of cheese flies introduced into the fermenting mixture; when the larvae hatch, they add their own special flavor to this queso.

2. Jellied Moose Nose: If the object of your desire is Eskimo, then you might want to create jellied moose nose, a delicacy in the frozen Northland. The recipe is simple: First, find a moose. BAM! Next, cut off the schnozzle, drop it in boiling water until it's a soft, gelatinous mass, then take it out, slice and serve. We guarantee you'll soon be rubbing noses with your beloved -- if you're in Alaska, that is.

3. Hasma: This delight from the Orient is a dessert not to be missed, as hasma is made out of the fallopian tubes of frogs. The Chinese dry these vessels, then rehydrate and sprinkle with sugar for an after-dinner treat.

4) Cockscomb: Even the name evokes memories of junior high. Cockscomb -- the bright, rubbery red top of a rooster -- is considered a delicacy in parts of the Mediterranean, even if it looks like a Trojan condom gone wrong. This is not ribbed for her pleasure.

5. Potted Meat Food Product: It's late, and you and your significant other arrive home after a night on the town with the munchies. You gallantly open your pantry door to show off your collection of canned goods that have been sitting on the shelf since the Truman administration. The prize? Potted Meat Food Product, filled with all kinds of kinky goodness, like mechanically separated chicken, beef tripe, fatty tissue and additives that only a pre-med major could love. Serve this and you're screwed, and not in a good way.

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