Cafe Society

Before you trick-or-treat, consider: Is sugar a gateway drug?

Trick-or-treating always seemed so harmless. Sure, candy isn't great for your teeth -- but are those little morsels of sugary-goodness more sinister than we ever imagined? A common argument against marijuana is that it's a "gateway drug" -- but what if Halloween candy is, too? After all, long before candies were strung together to create thongs, they were made into cigarettes and suspicious powders -- treats resembling harder, more dangerous drugs.

To help save your children from a future in which they grow up thinking that pot tastes like candy and not lawn, here are our top five indications that sugar is a gateway drug:

1. Ring Pot: We've warned you about them before; let's not even pretend to ignore what's going on here. There word "legalize" is printed right on the bag -- and who, other than a stoner, would wear a beanie like that?

2. Candy Cigarettes: While it might seem cute to dress up a kid as Humphrey Bogart and stick a pack of these incredibly life-like confections in his pocket, think twice. Pretty soon, sucking on a stick of bland, starchy sugar will turn the kid into a real smoker -- and nobody wants a hipster in the family. 3. Wax bottles: These are probably what took down the great writers of the early twentieth century. Just imagine an adolescent Oscar Wilde finding his first wax bottle -- and look where that got him: ending his life in a slop-house in Paris. How un-American. 4. Pixie sticks: Just wait for when they expect a cocaine high to be like a sugar one. 5. Pop Rocks: While crack crystals certainly have a different effect, "fruity, surprising and bubbly" sounds like a pretty good DARE-esque drug description, doesn't it?