A very special Christmas message from the Prophet Elijah

People like to make their voices heard -- and here at Westword, our poor editorial assistant is often an unwilling outlet for that: We get a lot of random people leaving messages on our general line. They complain about our coverage, leave us bizarre, incoherent "tips," or, in the case of The Prophet Elijah, just call to tell us whatever's on their mind. A regular favorite, estimable Prophet leaves rambling, stream-of-conscious narratives that quote a surprising amount of scripture and often reference "nuclear suitcase bombs," one of his most pressing concerns. Today, he reports in about thriftiness, the holidays, and people who are too cheap to buy a bible.

Via our general voicemail:

This is just a suggestion from The Prophet Elijah: I left a message in the general mailbox of Westword magazine about, you know, how sometimes I'm being a little thrifty about things, and I think it's no sin if no one is harmed. A good example is, let's say I had a child, and the child needed something, and I was being too thrifty to get a child what it needs, money or whatever need that the child needs, and it would hinder the child. I could do it right now. Uh, like Proverbs Three verse, uh, I believe it's 27, "Don't withhold good from when it's due," and all that other good stuff. Uh, and Proverbs and Psalms that a child should read -- a bible.

Some people are too cheap to even buy a bible for their child, so the child can grow in grace and knowledge. I hardly see anyone buying a bible for their children during so-called "Christmas," Westword magazine.

And Psalm One, verse one: "Blessed is the man or person or human being that walketh not in the council of the ungodly, standeth in the way... nor, uh, either standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But, they are delighted in the way of the Lord, the Lord, God Almighty, or Yaweh or Jehovah, in the name of the Son Jesus Christ" -- I just want to, uh, add it like that.

And in God's law, they meditate day and night, and how, you know, we overcome and live a better life, uh, an abundant life. Now what's wrong with that? What's wrong with eternal life, that a child will later obtain from salvation? What's wrong with that, Westword magazine? Look at Proverbs One. Look at the gospels and scripture about [End of message].

Merry Christmas, one and all.