Twitter Tuesday: Neil Hamburger is a real, awesome jerk

Neil Hamburger is an asshole. He's the kind of comedian that was born unlikable; even though he's funny sometimes, most of the time he's just alienating. Plus, he's gross to look at, and that says a lot about a person. But for the love-haters of Hamburger, there's his Twitter, a place for his one-liners to live on in the comfort Neil-free zone of your own home (or phone.) Don't get us wrong; We like Neil Hamburger a lot. But sometimes, it's just nice to enjoy his jokes without thinking about how many times he has to clear his mucusy throat to get them out. Recently, Hamburger launched an attack on that barf-inducing dude body spray, AXE, in his column for Vice Magazine. Vice ditched the column, but Hamburger continues to taunt the stinky stuff via his own blog, and, of course, this extends to Twitter. Above, Hamburger shares some of the Dalai Lama's advice with AXE -- which is, if anything, a great visual. What if Hamburger, his holiness and a Jeep Cherokee full of aerosol-scented bros (or men from the national sex offender registry, as the comedian says AXE is intended for) would get together for a breakout session on male hygiene and tolerance in real life? Now, that would be funny. Just what the world needs: another place/thing/casket to spend money on from Gene Simmons. Hamburger is so right on -- ever since Family Jewels debuted in 2006 (okay, probably way before that) we have been forced to watch the former sex machine be domestic and shit. And it's not cute. We think Hamburger is on to something with this business venture, though: What if Gene Simmons could actually positively impact society by opening a free clinic? Basically, half of all of Hamburger's tweets are devoted to fast-food hating -- but in a clever, astute way. We all know the stuff is bad for you, but here the comedian goes after the real problem: scary corporate advertising. Not only have Burger King, Taco Bell, Arby's and dozens of other disgusting food operatives begun to use Twitter to push you to buy the food that will kill you, they push you to have feelings for that food. A surprising champion for the health and well-being of his fellow humans, Hamburger reminds us that Taco Bell equals diarrhea and there is nothing awesome about eating french fries out of a cup.

We also get diarrhea from a variety of restaurants, and we tweet about it with disturbing frequency! Follow @WestwordCulture right now!