Breeality Bites

Adult rollerskating dos and don'ts: Guess where dry-humping fits in?

When I was growing up, everyone had birthday parties at Skate City. Like, everybody. My mom was more of the "let's roll the Slip N' Slide out on our dead lawn and make Kool-Aid (because it's cheap)" kind of party-thrower, but I really just wanted to celebrate with a wax candle jammed in a Little Debbie Swiss Roll like a normal entitled kid. I finally got my birthday wish when I was nineteen, and all I remember about it was that someone in my party won Christina Aguilera's "Genie In A Bottle" single on cassette during a skating contest, and we listened to it until the tape snapped. I don't think I've skated since.

With Beauty Bar's monthly Down And Derby party happening again this Friday, I'm ready to give skating another go, though. In preparation, I've compiled some dos and don'ts for those of you who, like me, may not have been rollerskating since the late '90s.

Do: Let yourself have fun

Remember when you used to shoot out of bed voluntarily at 6 a.m. to watch cartoons? Now you fall out of bed at the crack of hell with just enough time to to update your Facebook with a status regarding how much you hate the job you're about to be late for. Ditch the nine-to-five hatred and think about capturing that childhood unawareness of responsibility and full-on enjoyment of life: Act like a fool and skate with reckless abandon.

What is it that those crappy home-decor plaques you can buy at Walmart say? Dance Like No One's Watching. Yes, skate like you're in you're bedroom, singing Lady Gaga's "Edge Of Glory" into a hairbrush while slicing up the rink. Just don't be afraid to let your freak-skate flag fly.

Don't: Pull a "Cool Dad"

Meaning, while you're out on the rink having fun, don't try to do the splits and accidentally throw your back out or rip the crotch out of your already too-tight skinny jeans. No one is impressed by the guy who goes hard and tries to do circle eights and serpentines, because while skating is still fun, it is not really that cool to act like a bad ass about it. And if you can't Dougie on wheel-less feet, don't try it on skates. Note: This isn't about being an actual dad or even being a male. It has to do with the kind of ego-driven behavior that leads to us forgetting our own personal limits, thus embarrassing anyone who may have mistakenly ventured onto the rink with us. I coined the term "cool dad" after my own father, who ruined my childhood by doing a mortifying pseudo-Mick Jagger dance in the grocery store/department store/Applebee's when a song by The Cars would come on.

Don't: Get shwasted and skate

While having fun and being yourself on the rink is sometimes easier with a little social lubricant, also keep in mind that those old, brittle bones of yours don't heal like they used to. If you're going to take part in any adult beverages prior to making the roller-rounds, be sure you're coherent enough to skate in the correct direction. It's guaranteed that you're going to fall a couple of times, anyway, so why not keep your novice skating injuries to a minimum?

And, as with any club, the quickest way to get kicked out of a skating rink is to disobey rules -- and inappropriately (be it unintentionally) grabbing a few people on your drunken tumble down to the floor is a good way to ensure the boot. Drink responsibly and remember: If you can get a BUI (bicycling under the influence), you can probably get an RSUI (rollerskating under the influence). Do: Ask a handsome/good-looking someone to "coupleskate"

If you're like me, middle school was not the most successful time in your career as a romantic, especially during that skating session when people started pairing off. As much as I wanted to ask the guy in giant Gibaud jeans to skate with me to Stevie B.'s "Spring Love," I didn't have the guts to ask.

But now is the time. And asking someone to skate with you is way better than asking them to dance with you, since there's really only one way to coupleskate (by holding hands, duh). And holding hands is simply a romantic gesture, leaving no room for miscommunication. Unlike at a club, where if you ask someone to dance with you, the intentions could be unclear -- not only could that someone be a bad dancer, but you also run the risk of being Juked without warning. Do: Make out in the dark corner of the skating rink

This is something I learned from my best friend, who used to get down in the dimly lit-depths of the Wagon Wheel rollerskating rink in Brighton while I was stress-eating pretzels under the nauseous florescent lighting of the snack counter. There's something inherently dangerous about trying to do something on skates, so why not go all middle school on this one and steal some smooches from your skating partner?

Besides, dry-humping on skates is like the Olympics of heavy-petting. If you can do it on skates, you can do it anywhere.

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