Arts and Culture

Chased by an Elephant: Walmart does its part to ward off the gay

It's never too early to plant the seeds of life-long sexual neurosis; in this day and age of growing tolerance toward the scourge homosexuality, we've really got to step up our efforts to instill deep self-hatred in our children at an early age. That's where Chased by an Elephant, the Gospel Truth about Today's Stampeding Sexuality, a cheerfully illustrated children's book about how gays are bad, mmkay, comes in. Here's the good news: You don't even have to wait for it to get shipped before you can start scarring your children for life. You can just pop down to the Walmarts and get started right now.

The Mormon-approved kiddie book, penned by family-values stalwart and notorious anti-homosexuality crusader Janice Barrett Graham, aims to "help shed the clear light of truth on today's dark and tangled ideas about male and female, proper gender roles, the law of chastity, and the God-given sexual appetite," the author says.

The Standards of Liberty website, of which Graham is the wife of its president, elaborated: "For the sake of our children and youth, we can no longer afford to be silent on this topic. Given the licentious world around them, they need to be purposely taught the correct information and attitudes concerning human sexuality and God's law of chastity." The site also notes that the book is available at 105 Walmart stores right here in the intermountain west.

And thank God it is, because there's no better time than now to begin telling our children, who might otherwise be thinking about such worthless and ungodly topics as candy or bicycles, about how homosexuality is appealing and will tempt them, and then about how it's weird and gross and God gets really angry if you touch your penis.

Consider, for example, the story of Graham's son, himself a righteously converted homosexual. He wrote a book, called Captain of my Soul, and and in the introduction tells of how he was "lured into same gender internet pornography during his high school years, and recruited into cursory homosexual experimentation with older men while at Brigham Young University."

Man, shit gets downright freaky at BYU, amiright?

But wait, isn't BYU a Mormon university? Because in that case, there should probably be a lot less homosexuality there as opposed to other universities, because BYU is populated by Mormons who have been purposely taught the correct information and attitudes concerning human sexuality and God's law of chastity and how gays are bad and...


Well it just goes to show you. That's why we need this book. Thanks, Walmart.