Visual Arts

Art damage: Five more works of art that need the crowbar of religious intolerance

Yesterday, we brought you the story of a self-regarded warrior for Christ who took a crowbar to Enrique Chagoya's "The Misadventures of Romantic Cannibals" at the Loveland Museum Gallery because she apparently thought the artwork was desecrating her Lord. Sure, the piece appeared to depict the Messiah being fellated by a man, but it certainly wouldn't be the first piece of controversial art depicting the image of Christ.

So what other artworks -- following the lines of this woman's logic --deserve the righteous crowbar of truth violently brought down upon them for the unforgivable crime of blasphemy? Some surprisingly innocuous pieces, it turns out. Here's our top five.

1. Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel depiction of Adam and Eve. Being revered as one of the greatest artists of all time shouldn't excuse him from being punished for lewd depictions of sacred texts. I don't know how this slipped by the watchful eyes of the Pope when it was first commissioned. First of all, Eve and Adam are naked, which all religious zealots know is wrong. The human body is disgusting and should be covered up, especially the male human body. And what is Eve doing so dangerously close to Adam's private region? Are these the types of values the Catholic church espouses? Not on my watch. It's crowbar time. 2)Rembrandt's Return of the Prodigal Son. One man on his knees, the other curled over in ecstasy? Any closed-minded religious fanatic can see that this young man is performing fellatio on the older man, while other men of the clergy look on in approval. This blatant depiction of sexual acts, with two men no less, is unacceptable. Get out the crowbar. 3. Donatello's David Bigots across the globe should agree that this sculpture needs to be destroyed with a swift swing of the crowbar. What are we teaching our children, with this effete, gender-confused depiction of the great David, slayer of Goliath? If this sculpture is allowed to exist any longer, we'll soon have an entire generation of young boys experimenting with each other and giving up their precious tickets to heaven. Not to mention the fact that this is clearly child pornography and should be banned from art history classrooms immediately, and then destroyed with crowbars. 4) Glen Tarnowski's The Gathering Bugs Bunny as Jesus Christ surrounded by his disciples? How dare he? Bugs Bunny didn't die for your sins. Humor and lightheartedness has no place in religion. This isn't about fun and games. This is about life and death, and religious extremists know that whoever supports this kind of artwork will live eternally in the fiery caves of Hell. Get your crowbars -- we will not stand for this. 5. Cosimo Cavallaro's My Sweet Lord Religion has no place for funny plays on words. Christ is not a food to be eaten, or, um... At any rate, what every radical god-fearing Christian knows is that Christ should not be made into a chocolate, no matter how delicious it may be. Taking the lord into oneself is not about eating candy. This "art" should be shattered with the crowbars of the righteous and melted down immediately, and then re-hardened and shattered with crowbars again.

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