Yup, we were there to witness the truly great -- albeit small -- athletes flying through the air, performing body slams and all the great professional wrestling moves that would easily leave us, and most of the crowd, on a stretcher wondering what went wrong. And before you chastise us for using the word midget, instead of the more p.c. term "little people," we should probably just say that these people -- who happen to be small -- can perform some pretty kickass moves. And after all, even the great Hervé Villechaize, aka Tattoo, disliked the moniker little person, opting rather for midget.
The night of Midget Mayhem with the Micro Wrestling Federation opened up with a match between J-Mazing, the Philippine dancing sensation (he gave the strippers a run for their money at the end of the show), and The Kid. J-Mazing, at 3' 11" and 70 pounds, dominated the match, relentlessly pinning The Kid with a foot to his neck and applying choker holds, but he couldn't pin The Kid -- which led to the deployment of a trashcan.
"Holy shit! Look at that," yelled one white-capped patron, who wouldn't identify himself. "I've never seen anything like it!
"This is amazing!" he added.
It was hard to catch all the action in a sea of screaming patrons thronging around a midget wrestling ring, and somehow we missed the reversal of fortune, but suddenly, The Kid pinned J-Mazing, and the referee -- Pitbull, a tattooed midget -- got the three-count.
For the second match, Pitbull relinquished his referee position and faced off against "The Olympic Champion" Ricky Benjamin in his mini-olympic USA leotard. The match started out with classic grappling before Pitbull threw Benjamin in the corner. And then he rammed Benjamin's nuts.
"Aw! Midget nuts in corner pocket!" yelled MC Reggie. Reggie egged the crowd on: "Whattaya think folks, is Ricky done? Come on let's hear it for him." The crowd hollered. The wrestlers fell off the mat and started grappling through the crowd as referee, now J-Mazing, looked on. They returned to the ring, where Benjamin rallied and pinned Pitbull for the win. And then it was intermission time. The ladies of PT's took to their stages and entertained the crowd while the micro wrestlers posed with customers for $10 Polaroid pictures.
The micro wrestlers returned for some sweet tag-team action, with The Kid and Ricky Benjamin taking on J-Mazing and Pitbull. J-Mazing got Benjamin against the ropes and rammed him in the nuts. Benjamin reeled and got the tag out. The Kid tapped in, but J-mazing and Pitbull teamed up for a double-clothesline, taking him down for the count. But what's this? J-Mazing suddenly turned on his ally and threw him against ropes. Out of nowhere a bucket appeared. J-Mazing threw it over Pitbull's head and went to work, taking the pin.
There was long break between sets -- long enough for it to sink in that we were missing some of the other micro-wrestling luminaries, like Meatball, the 4'6," 275-pound wrestler, who last year at 3 Kings sat on opponents' faces -- after pulling down his pants -- and we missed the furry of Blixx, another tattooed micro-wrestler, who looks like a mini-Danzig and sticks his tongue out like Gene Simmons. Not to mention Justice, a mini-brawler who got his face stapled onstage.
Round three was an all-out brawl between the four competitors. They were moving so fast it was hard to keep track of who was who and who was teamed with who -- suddenly, Ricky Benjamin and Pitbull were lifting J-Mazing into the air -- a double suplex! Ultimately, though, the match wrapped up with the smallest wrestler of the night, The Kid, as the last man standing.
There are somethings you need to see to believe: the great pyramids of Egypt, the Sphinx, the Great Wall of China, the skyline from atop a fourteener. And, yes, midget wrestling.