Of course, this is all fiction. What we actually sent through the aforementioned tube were a pair of Rocky Mountain oysters, to make up for the orbs that fell from the Giants' collective jockstrap following their 4-3 loss to the Rockies on Wednesday night. But I must confess to irritation over our paper being referred to as "the Westword" -- it makes us sound like a certain Mr. Trump calling himself "the Donald" -- as well as by Eskenazi's list of anti-Rockies jibes. Here they are:
• Have you noticed how, with his thick beard and red-lipped scowl, Rockies star first-baseman Todd Helton looks like sad clown Emmett Kelley? We have;
• With a straight face, Clint Barmes told the media that his broken collarbone was the result of tumbling down the stairs while carrying venison. Nothing to do with an ATV ride at all...
• Actual first names of Rockies' pitchers: Ubaldo, Esmil, Huston, and, the prize-winner, Jhoulys;
• Hey Colorado -- thanks for making purple part of the baseball color ensemble. You do realize that Jason Giambi looks like Grimace in these uniforms, right?
• Speaking of Giambi -- we always thought it was odd how you apologized profusely a few years ago but refused to say what you were apologizing about. How about batting .198? Was it that?
• Is it true the Rockies signed Russ Ortiz' corpse this year?
• Ian Stewart, I've seen drunk frat boys at 2 a.m. who are more selective than you are;
Painful? Hardly, considering that the Rockies retain a three-and-a-half game lead over the Giants in the wild card standings. True, the Giants have won five of the last six head-to-head matchups, but that'll turn into a positive once the Rockies make the postseason, since it'll cause SF fans' bitterness and resentment to burn just that much more. Besides, the Giants only have themselves to blame. The Rockies went 9-1 on a recent homestand, while the Giants are 5-7 in September when not playing Colorado. Man, they most really want it -- "it," in this case being an opportunity to end their season on October 4.
As for that bit about the names of Rockies pitchers, it's incredibly weak considering that the monikers of about half the Giants sound like diseases or other physical ailments -- appropriate given that their playoff chances are looking terminal at this point. Examples:
• "I shouldn't've eaten that second burrito. I have a terrible case of Renteria."
• "That boil on your ass looks awful. Do you have Bumgarner?"
• "Are you a big Michael Jackson fan? Or have you come down with Whiteside?"
• "Pop that thing already. No one wants to see you with Zito all over your face."
• "I'm sorry, but you'll have to refrain from sexual activity for the next few months. You've got Lincecum."
Most ironically named Giant: Randy Winn.
The Weekly staff is so confident the Giants will rise from the dead that they've bet "a signed photo of one of the city's top drag queens should Colorado make the postseason." In response, we'll put up an autographed Jay Cutler jersey -- autographed by members of the Westword staff, since Sweet Baby Jay isn't around to do the deed anymore. Not that we're in any danger of losing this particular wager. After all, the Giants begin a three-game series against the Dodgers in Los Angeles tonight, and this time Monday, the boys by the Bay will be even deeper in the grave. Rest in peace.