Petition to the Rockies Concerning the Killing of Dinger

Whereas it is pre-emptively acknowledged that all sports mascots lose their appeal to right-thinking adults who have not sustained head wounds, and;

Whereas it has become widely known that we here in Denver play home to the absolutely worst carpet-covered, shit-and-Febreze-smelling, sorry excuse for a cheerleading, anthropomorphized cartoon fossil, and;

Whereas newfound national attention (whatever shit form it takes) for our incredible baseball team will no doubt bring on the mock and scorn of the entire country when the people of this good nation have beamed into their living rooms the image of that purple triceratops from hell, and;

Whereas we even have a state dinosaur and the Rockies couldn't even bring themselves to put an androgynous stegasaurus in a jersey with no pants;

We, members of the Rockies fan base, citizens of Colorado, and general arbiters of what constitutes useless nonsense and what makes for a good fan experience, hereby request that Colorado Rockies kill Dinger the dinosaur (just the character, not the hard-working actor who has to dress up in that thing for every home game, elementary school performance and nursing home appearance) before we have to take matters into our hands,

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