July 12 is now the target date for sealing the deal. In the meantime, we've got five community-service suggestions for Sheen:
5. Bus Driver Since it was Sheen and his kind (really rich people) who pushed lower- and middle-income workers out of Aspen toward Carbondale and Basalt in the first place, it might be a fitting apology for Sheen to personally chauffeur them to work on their, ahem, lengthy bus commute.
4. Trailer Park Maintenance In a similar vein, the working folks who have managed to hang in there closer to Aspen often reside in that city's famous (or infamous) "mobile home communities." Working for them as a maintenance man could simultaneously function as poetic justice and allow him to apply his wife-beating strength to something more constructive.
3. Scared Straight Advocate Much as he did in in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sheen could hang out at the police station and provide a real-life example of the consequences of delinquency. Except, instead of making out with Jennifer Grey, Sheen could say something like, "I used to be a famous actor, but now if you Google my name the first page of results is related to my felony charges. Just say no to domestic violence, kids!"
2. Role Reprisal Reprising his role in Men at Work, Sheen could spend some time as an Aspen sanitation worker. We're guessing, though, that shooting a senator with a pellet gun and heroically saving the day from a crazy toxic dumping scheme would not factor into daily operations. He'd probably just, you know, pick up garbage.
1. Contract Severance Pending his sentencing, Sheen took a leave of absence from his CBS series Two and a Half Men to go to rehab. We're hoping the sentence includes Sheen promising never to make another episode of that hackneyed, sophomoric shitcom ever again. Honestly, does the world really need even one more installment of this guy and a fat kid trading masturbation euphemisms?